Sunday, December 13, 2009

7:25 am

I'm not giving a back story on why I'm upset here. Reading this, you'll probably glean an idea, but not a really detailed one, because I really just need to type as therapy and don't want to cause unnecessary drama. So if this confuses anyone who reads it, I'm really sorry. Oh, and I couldn't think of a good title, hence the lame one, lol.

I don't actually like everyone that I meet. I know, gasp of shock, right? Lol. I don't usually bother actively disliking them, though. While I do have a wretched temper, something someone says or does might momentarily flare it, I might rant to someone, (usually Amanda. Shane is awful to rant to because he is always all logical, and, let's face it, emotions aren't the most logical of things) and then I give it no thought. I don't hold grudges usually, unless someone has just deeply, deeply offended me. Sure, I may recall something they once did to annoy me when I'm annoyed at them again, but it's not hovering in my brain as a list of vendettas or anything. I think most people are probably the same way as me.

Anyways, so, even if I don't like someone, I don't make it a huge issue. It's not usually worth it to be so petty, especially since I live in a fairly small town. Ever played six degrees of separation? Pretty easy here where most of the locals seem to be related and lines of friendship and relationships get oh-so-complex. And, save that, I admit that sometimes, I'm totally wrong about someone. I have friends that, at first, I didn't like for some reason, that I now think are awesome and feel ridiculous for disliking. I have no problem copping to it when I've misjudged people, either. Nor do I mind being proven wrong about such things. At heart, I really like to see the good in people. I am not a person who feeds off drama and discontentment.

I really don't like being unfairly labeled as someone who would be bitchy and petty and overly dramatic, though. I stupidly let that stuff get to me, because I think I have way, way more class than that. So instead of being like my friend Susie, who'd shrug it off (probably by saying, "What a bitch. Hope they get kicked in the junk." lol) or a number of other friends who'd just think "I didn't like that bitch anyways, and I was obviously right," I take it to heart. And I dwell on it. Not because it's their opinion that matters - I really am not horribly worried what most people think of me - but because *I* don't want to be that petty person. So I scrutinize myself to see why someone would think that, and, moreso, why they would vocalize a thought like that, that seems so out of left field to me. And I dwell, because I convince myself that somehow, *I* did something to make said person think that way. I've been doing that, with this unnamed situation, for the past twenty four hours. But I don't think I want to bother anymore. I've gone over it, and I honestly can't see anything that I've done that would justify the implication of me as that type of insensitive person. Not everyone is going to realize the type of person I am, and I can't let other people being inaccurate and disrespectful bother me this much. So I'm just letting it go. Also, I'm going to try to stop beating myself up over these types of things. If I did something wrong, I'll apologize and go on my way, but if I didn't, I'm not going to be overly worried about it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

*insert title here*

To My Friends,

I am still the same person. I have not become a Stepfordian wife shell carrying a baby with no fun or interesting-ness left. Please remember that.

I talk about being pregnant. I do. It's my last kid, my last experience, and I'm enjoying it. I don't, and won't, apologize for that. I've listened to you all blather on about new jobs and's the same dame, in essence. But my life doesn't center 100% around my pregnancy, nor have I stopped being the same person I always was. My currently occupied uterus doesn't make me less Star. I'm not barefoot in a kitchen eating ice cream and pickles bitching about cankles or something. I'm not running around, trying to convert people to a state of knocked-up-ness because it's just so awesome. Please. I think we all know I'm an attention whore, and, frankly, you'd just be stealing away time that should be spent being in awe of *my* fetus, duh. ;p

The only thing I can't do, in my current state, is drink a bunch. Oh, and eat sushi. Seriously, I could more understand the not eating sushi as friendship death than drinking, though. Sushi is some good shit, yo. But everyone knows I act like a moron with or without a high blood alcohol content. Just ask Shane, Liss, or Amanda...they can for sure attest to that!

Basically, what I'm getting at here is that, since I became pregnant, some of you barely speak to me. And it sucks. If it were reversed, I wouldn't ignore you. So don't do that to me. Especially since I'm overly hormonal. Jesus, that's a recipe for disaster. Do you *want* some lame voicemail after some lame Hallmark card about friendship makes me remember that we used to have one? Pfft. Hell no you don't.

And if you're mad about the sushi, let's go to a Hibachi grill. Compromise rocks!


Sunday, November 29, 2009

30 things to do before I'm 30

I stole this from my friend Sara at the Handy Hooker blog. You should check her out, she's pretty awesome.

Ok, pimpage over.

I turn 28 in a few months. The normal thing to do would be to do a "27 to do before I'm 28." But a)I'm pregnant, ruling out a few things and b)I have some things that are going to need to take more than like 3 months to do. So here goes...

1)Find some ways to cook vegetables that we can all agree on
-And by we, I mean Shane. Rhi will eat just about any veggie you put in front of her. Ditto for me. Shane, however, loathes everything but green beans, potatoes, raw carrots, and corn. Do you know how tedious that gets? Very, is the answer. I'm determined to find some way to prepare more things so he will actually eat them.

2)Volunteer somewhere
-I want to find some kind of good, local organization to do volunteer work for. I'm not sure what I want to do, or where I want to work...I just want to be sure that they reflect the same ideals that I have.

3)Have a home that uses more sustainable energy sources
-I want a cob house. I don't think that's in the cards for the next twoish years, because I think we want to wait to build until I get out of college and we live somewhere that we want to stay for a long time (hint:not this state.) But once we move, we won't be using gas at all. Shane's all about switching to solar, and I'd be great with that.

4)Go to one of the following places: Spain, Italy, Bali, the Caymans
-Because I want to.

5)Get a tummy tuck
-This is my last kid, and I lost a crapload of weight. I think after I'm back to the weight I want to be, I deserve to have a cosmetic procedure to give me a flat stomach. It's pretty vain and everything, but I feel like it would be a great reward for my hard work.

6)Have a weekly family night where we do something fun
-I really hate how disconnected a lot of people are from their children and partners. I don't want to be that family. I want to be the happy, involved family. So whether we're playing board games or going to Chuck E. Cheese, or baking cookies, I want a night of togetherness.

7)Eat better foods
-We mostly eat pretty healthy, at least compared to the normal American diet of processed crap. But I'd really like to eat even less processed foods, more organics...have a garden, where we grow our own vegetables and herbs...maybe, since we'll be living in the middle of farms, get more local meat from neighbors.

8)Completely stop shopping at places like WalMart
-It's a necessary evil sometimes here. I really want to shop at less chain stores and more locally owned small businesses, though.

9)Go back to school
-This one should happen by next fall at the latest.

10)Have a date night at least bi-weekly
-Remember what I said about families? Well, sometimes, even in families that do all that, the parents totally lose the spark to their relationship and just become friends and partners. If I just wanted a friend and partner, I'd raise my kids with another chick and be celibate, lol.

11)Be a better housekeeper
-While my house is never, like, going to evoke feelings of disgust in anyone, the perils of having a small child mean that it's almost always in a state of disarray to some extent. I really want to improve that.

12)Have a better wardrobe
-I buy tons of adorable things that I love, usually at places like Goodwill. But then somehow they get lost, or the kid or I spill on them, or they don't quite go with anything else, or they aren't quite appropriate for every day. I want to invest in a wardrobe that has nice, well-tailored every day pieces, stuff for going out, et cetera, that's very washable and wearable. And kid friendly, lol.

13)Learn a foreign language
-I'm not even sure which one. But a foreign language.

14)Learn to actually swim
-I had lessons, I can do a decent approximation, but I'd like to be able to have the right form.

15)Learn to do some form of yoga that I actually like
-Man, I have a hard time with yoga. Maybe I've just watched the wrong dvds or something, because I can't really get down with it. I'd like to take a class or something with a really good teacher to see if maybe I can learn to not just think it's horribly boring most of the time.

16)Have a well-decorated home
-You know how you go into some houses and you just marvel at how beautifully put together they are? Like, maybe not Martha Stuart living, a little more touchable than that, but a place that's just so warm and inviting? And you go back to your house and are let down at how not like that your home is? I want to have that house. I can't *here*, because it's a rental, but when we move...

17)Have a dishwasher
-The worst chore on Earth is handwashing dishes. I'll go extra green on everything else, but, man, I have to have a dishwasher. One kid and two adults produce so damn many dishes I can't keep up. Imagine two kids, two adults. Ugh.

18)Start composting
-We've started recycling a lot more lately, and I'm already amazed at the reduction in normal household trash. I think composting would really add to that, too.

19)Get back to bellydance classes
-I love them, and I haven't been for a long time, because of general brokeness and just not having the time. But I'm going to make the damn time for it. In a twenty four hour day, I can surely take one of those hours once a week for myself.

20)Keep in better touch with my friends, nearby and far away
-I'm bad at keeping in touch with people, but then I get really sad that I lose touch with friends. So I'm going to try to do better.

21)Get more involved with issues I care about
-I do more than most people as far as this is concerned, I think, but I'd like to do even more.

22)Find a job where I'm happy at least 85% of the time
-I know no job will ever be something that I love 100% of the time. But lately my job's been pretty monotonous and I feel way less inspired than I did before. I love teaching the kids, I love feeling like I make a difference in that way, but I feel, lately, like nothing we do is good enough for the parents. And it sucks, because I genuinely care about those children, their care, and what they're learning. But it's hard to not just want to say screw it when you have people who are always dissatisfied with what you do. I could take it every once in awhile, but constantly...yeah. Worst is the fact that usually the parents who are complaining are the ones who we seriously need cooperation from, because their kids need extra help or attention. But we can't get it because we're too busy hearing how everything is our fault. So by the time I'm thirty, even though I won't be out of school yet or subsequently have my career going, I want a job that's better than this.

23) Be a better cook
-I get bored, I stop paying attention, I burn things. Or over-cook them, or whatever. It's less than awesome.

24) Spend a little extra money to buy products I really like.
-I wind up fretting over the extra cost, but, man, on some things, the expense is worth it. While I don't always agree that you get what you pay for, it's true in a few cases, and worth the extra.

25) Spend less on stupid things to make up for #24
-I really do buy stuff I don't need way too often. That needs to change.

26) Go the the chiropractor more
-It was worth the money the last time I went, for reals. I need to actually keep up on it.

27) Drink more water
-I really just don't like the taste. But it's the best thing to drink, really...good for you, not full of empty calories. I can tolerate it with lemon. So I need to make it a habit.

28) Grow my damn hair out
-It goes a little something like this. I start to grow my hair. I get bored. I experiment with colors. I experiment with styles. Eventually, I hack it off out of total boredom, and then I whine because I don't have the face for short hair, and I want it long again. This, I know, is going to be especially prone to happening after I have this baby when my hair is falling out and stuff. So, future Star, DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR!!! DON'T!!! AFTER THE BABY, JUST PUT IT UP UNTIL IT STOPS FALLING OUT!!!!!

29) Spend more time being actively spiritual
-I used to do this all the time. And while I still take my spirituality very, very seriously, I haven't been able to do the things I normally would have. And I need to, without being more spiritual, I feel very much like I'm not quite myself, like I'm detached from God, so to speak. And that sucks.

30) Work on controlling my temper
-I can be a little (overly) emotional sometimes. And I can be a bitch on wheels when I'm angry. I've made huge, huge improvements there, but sometimes I still fly off the handle. So I'm going to try to communicate better and yell less, I guess. lol.

Friday, November 27, 2009

A Baby Blog

Because you all have nothing better to do than read two of my blog posts in one day. Or something.

I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant, which is crazy, because I seriously felt like I *just* wrote the blog announcing my pregnancy, like, yesterday. This pregnancy has been so different than it was with Rhi. First, the morning sickness...shocker there as I was almost never ill with Rhi. I think I was nauseated the first week or so with Rhi. Never strongly. Just mild queasiness. Then there was the food. OMG, you're supposed to eat a lot in your second trimester, but, in my first, I could out eat...well, everyone, I think. Lol. It was the only thing that could possibly quell my never-ending vomitousness. And the bleeding from my placenta...yeah, that was a fun adventure. Except the opposite.

But in a lot of ways, I'm more prepared for this pregnancy and this baby. For instance, I'm in way better physical shape. And despite the restrictions I do have on exercise...and I am operating under several still...I'm still keeping moderately active. I feel more prepared for labor, even though it terrifies me a little. Not the pain of it, not the contractions or the pushing, but the fact that I had a c-section on my last kid and there is a slight, but real, possibility of complications. I wonder sometimes if I should just get a second c-section. Because I know what to expect there, and everyone knows the unknown is scarier. But my c-section with Rhi was a very disappointing experience, and since I don't want more children after this, I feel like I'm cheating myself to not try.

But I'm still scared, lol.

I'm more prepared for nursing, too. I know that my milk won't come in instantly. I know how to latch the baby on in various ways now. I know where I can go for help, and the people who are best and worst at supporting me. I know that the Boppy is my best friend ever, lol. I know about Fenugreek, and mother's milk teas, and where to get them. I know a beer or two can help aid milk production. And I know that there will be several exhausting growth spurts where I will feel like I have a baby constantly attached to me, but that they will end, and I will be able to handle it. And I know how to supplement and still go back to nursing. I have more confidence in breastfeeding in general. Luckily, as with Rhi, I have a partner who is utterly supportive of nursing, too, which I know from experience can be the make or break of your nursing relationship.

I'm doing a few things differently, though, based upon knowledge I've gleaned since my first child. First of all, we're cloth diapering. It's something I wanted to do with Rhi, but a bunch of factors contributed to it just not panning out. So this time, I'm doing it. I'm excited and a little nervous about it, because, seriously, it's pretty different than disposables. But I am really lucky to have a fantastic support network of CDing moms that I know I can ask for help. Secondly, if this is a boy, I'm not circumcising him. It was something I totally would have done if Rhi had been a boy, but I don't really see a necessity for anymore. It's so purely cosmetic that I'm just not interested. If my kid doesn't want a foreskin later, he's welcome to have it removed. I just don't feel like I need to make that choice for him. If it's a him. And, third, I'm pretty sure I'm saying screw the crib and just getting a co-sleeper. I'm not totally comfortable with an actual family bed...I'm a paranoid freak, and even now, if Rhi sleeps with me, I sleep way less soundly because I'm worried I'll accidentally smother her or something. So I can't see ever having a decent night's sleep in a family bed. But when Rhi was tiny, it was such a pain in the ass to have her in a bassinet across the room. It was soooo much easier when the crib was right next to my bed, highest level, with the side down. I'd pull her over, nurse her back to sleep, put her back, and drift back off. A co-sleeper would allow the new baby its own space and still have the convenience of the crib set up. More, actually. And since I still have Rhiannon's old crib, when the baby gets bigger, it can graduate to that if need be.

We find out in just a few weeks, by the way, what this baby is. So yay to that! We have a couple of names, but they're still tentative because Shane won't fully confirm or deny them. He has this notion that the baby will pop out looking like a certain name. I keep telling him that that's silly, that babies all look like semi-ugly (but gorgeous to those who love them) boiled chickens/grumpy old men. He has a hard time believing me though, lol.

The War on Christmas is a joke

I feel like I re-write a similar blog to this every year. But every year, I get the urge to write it, usually sparked by some stupid news story, generally from Fox, or a stupid social networking post, or a bumper sticker. So here I go again. I have new readers, so hopefully this won't feel so played out to you all. ;)

It's the holiday season. It's a season that I love, love, love. It's a season of family, and friends, and giving, and counting your blessings. For me, that totally overshadows most of the annoying things, like spending craploads of money, and fruit cake, and getting gifts from people you totally forgot to buy for.

But one thing always irritates me. The "War on Christmas" propaganda.

It's sensationalized media bullshit.

Of all of the people who read my blog, who is seriously, truly, absolutely offended by hearing or reading Season's Greetings or Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas? Really, now. How many of you are just ready to throw down and stop shopping places or talking to people until YOUR particular secular holiday is recognized loudly and obviously?

And why?

Look, I get that there are overly liberal idiots who would like everything in the public eye to be completely sterilized of anything hinting at religion. It's ridiculous, I give you that. Whining about town Christmas decorations or singing Christmas carols in school is pretty lame. But whining if a Hanukkah or Kwanzaa song is thrown in there, too, is just as lame.

And having a fit that stores...stores that cater to lots of people, people who are NOT Christian in persuasion and who, in fact, celebrate holidays that predate Christmas (see here Hanukkah and Yule, to start. Kwanzaa is debatable, and, honestly, I'm not well versed enough in that particular holiday to accurately decide whether it is or not) say Season's Greetings or Happy Holidays to cover all their customers...well, that's pretty lame, too.

And if you're a true Christmas purist, you should probably know that a ton of Christmas traditions started as pagan ones. Look here for a very, very brief summary on that. But certainly, if the words, "Happy Holidays" offend you, take down your tree and stop that caroling, quick!

If you are a Christian, certainly take time to "put Christ back in (your) Christmas." I'm all for people recognising that the spirit of all the holidays at this time of the year is about way, way more than getting gifts. I think more people should spend time reflecting upon that, and I totally commend you if you do so. Just don't freak out and believe the hype that everyone on Earth is trying to take Jesus away from you. It's not true. Without sensationalized crap from the likes Bill O'Reilly and such, I think we would all be able to have a more tolerant, co-existing holiday season.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Oh noes!!!! Gay marriage will ruin everything!!!!!

Here are the reasons I get against gay marriage and why I think they re utterly absurd:

Gays are unnatural.
Seriously? First of all, homosexual behavior has been recorded...and not always admonished...throughout the ages. And, what, exactly, is unnatural? Gay men do it in the ass. So do many straight people I know. Many, many straight people. Hell, some straight guys even get off on having things in their ass. True story, I have at least three friends whose significant others love that shit. And lesbians? They use dildos, fingers, tongues....hmmmm, just like straight people! In fact, men, if you're NOT using your mouth on your woman, you should maybe think about how only 30% of women can climax from vaginal penetration. Just saying.

Gay marriage can't produce children, which is the point of marriage, after all.
Yeah? Maybe you should tell childless couples that. Some people want nothing to do with procreation. And some can't have children. Should they be forced to divorce? Didn't think so. And why does marriage always have to produce kids? We're overpopulated, folks. We don't need any help here. Gay people not having kids may be keeping us from running out of room to move, lol. And can't gay people adopt? Which leads me to....

Gay couples, if given children, will ruin the child's life, and also, turn them gay.
No, they won't. Sorry. First of all, in a society where most people only want to adopt non-minority babies with no health or mental issues, we should be applauding anyone who will provide for a child that isn't "perfect." Single people who can afford it, gay people...anyone who is proven to be fit (and sexual orientation should have NOTHING to do with that unless there is some sort of warranted concern that the individual could be a child molester or something. And straight people are just as likely to be fucked up, disgusting people like that as gay people are. That's why there are processes to go through before you adopt. To screen out those people.) As far as raising gay kids, there's simply no correlation. Straight parents produce gay kids, gay people can raise straight kids. It's not sociological. And ruining the kid's life? Pffft. Kids get teased for anything anyone can tease them for. Unless every parent on Earth models themselves into a model with just enough intelligence and a just nice enough home, they will, at some point, be a source of embarrassment to their child. And, honestly, probably even then.

Isn't that kind of a moot point by now?

What's the divorce rate now? One in every three marriages? And let's look at other shining examples of how sanctified marriage is. Britney Spears got hitched in Vegas for fifty five hours as essentially, a drunken joke. People go on TV to marry millionaires that they've known eleven seconds. In non-public marriages, adultery happens pretty regularly. Yup, sure seems to me like straight people are doing an AWESOME job with the whole marriage thing. Awesome. Yet, these people screwing with the sanctity of marriage...we let them get married and even REmarry. Whaaaaaat????

Gay marriage will make people gay.
This one is right. The other day, a lesbian was near me, and I suddenly had the urge to go down on a chick.

Get real.

Gay people being married won't make your wife suddenly want her aerobics instructor. It won't make your husband start hitting on the postman. Straight people will stay straight, gay people will stay gay. And if you're bi, that won't change, either.

People will want to marry animals,'ll be a gateway to horrible behavior!
No, it won't.

Any fool gets that marriage is two consenting adult humans. Because it's a CONTRACT. Minorities and animals can't be contractually bound. That's not going to change. It's common sense. It's like the gateway drug argument. Know what? In my day, waaaayyyyy before kids and real adulthood, I smoked a fuck of a lot of pot. Like, a LOT. Never did anything else. Because weed is not a gateway drug. Just like gay marriage is not a gateway to anarchy.

Kids need male and female role models. Gay marriage will confuse them!
Kids do need male and female role models. But just like in single parent households, someone else...a relative, neighbor, or teacher, perhaps....becomes that role model. And it won't confuse kids. Kids are smart, and they have no preconceived notions of things like adults do. So they're totally fine with pretty much anything you explain to them. It just requires that explanation. But once they have it, their natural open mindedness makes everything work just fine.

Gay marriage will change society!

Gay couples already exist. They're here, they're queer, you should be over it. It's not like homosexuality is a closely guarded secret.

My religion prohibits gay marriage.
Your religion doesn't have a lock on marriage.

People in places that have never heard of your God have hitched themselves to each other. Straight atheists get married, straight pagans get married, straight agnostics get married. Since this country is not a theocracy, you have no leg to stand on, demanding that people can't get married because of your God. But, just for fun, know what else people once said was against God? Giving blacks equal rights, giving women equal rights, allowing interracial marriage, ending segregation. Seems to me "it's against God" is an awfully easy thing to say to camouflage prejudice.

Individual churches should do as they see fit. But legislation shouldn't be based on that.

Civil unions are JUST AS GOOD as gay marriage.
Civil unions are a fancy way of segregating gay marriage from regular marriage. Which is insulting and disgusting. It's the SAME mindset as separate but equal black schools, stores, et cetera. Segregation ending for black people seemed to some like the end of the world. It hasn't caused the Apocalypse. Neither will this, I assure you.

I'd also like to point out, as a side note, that less people are bothering to get married. Places where gay marriage is allowed have seen an economic boost in the wedding profession.

And, finally, the whole "states should decide" argument.

States have historically never ever been effective in deciding civil rights issues. Ending of slavery, equal rights for women, desegregation, equal rights for minorities...none of those really took off on a state level. It required federal legislation. Know why? Because the majority of Americans are too busy freaking out over idiotic things like I listed above to think, "Well, they're people in love. Some marriages will work, some won't, but whether I agree with it or not, it's pretty much a basic American right to get married. (Pursuit of happiness, anyone?) They're adults, and whether I have prejudices there or not, it's not my call. If it's against my God, He'll deal with it with them. I need to worry about me."

Monday, October 12, 2009

This weekend

This weekend was my anniversary. Shane and I have been together for a whole year now. Doesn't seem like a lot when you realize we totally put the cart before the horse and are having a baby and all that, but it's long for me. Not my longest relationship ever or anything, but long.

We had a pretty wonderful weekend, despite the fact that I was horribly sick for part of it.

I won't write a fawning, I love him so much type of blog, because, well, I've done it before and he already knows it anyways. :) But I will say these few things:

1) Shane, the week we were broken up was the most awful week ever, so let's never, ever do that again. I obviously love you, because I felt totally lost without you.

2) You can't help but adore the man who looks at you lying in bed, half asleep watching him play video games with awful hair and a red nose from sneezing your face off, and says, with total sincerity, "God, you're so beautiful."

I love you, Shane. Here's to more years together. Like a billion.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Dear Mr. President:

First of all, congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize. Pretty big honor, especially to have attained in nine months in office.

Most of America, and, let's face it, probably the rest of the world is a little dubious as to whether you deserve this. Hell, YOU'RE probably wondering, "How the fuck did I pull this off?!? Seriously?!?!?"

Well, Mr. President, even though your track record of, say, fulfilling your campaign promises is still HAVE made some important changes.

You're working pretty hard on changing the tone we have been using towards the Muslim world, and that's pretty awesome. God knows, Bush did literally nothing to try to reach out to the Muslim world, instead doing, well, a lot to keep us really disliked by the people of the rest of the world in general. (And, non-President types reading this: Bush sucked at diplomacy. Not everything he did was bad, but, Jesus, he just didn't do the diplomatic thing well AT ALL. Grow up, realize we all have weaknesses and that that is one of his, and save your hysterical whining about how unfair I am for somewhere else [like your head, not my comment box] so I don't have to read it. Unless you have some irrefutable, non partisan proof to show me otherwise, and then I will humbly eat crow. But that's not gonna happen, I wager.)

Iran, especially, is responding to us in a better way than they have in a long time. Yes, the leader is still a nutcase. He is. But I've always thought of him as a child throwing a huge tantrum on the floor of the World. Kicking, screaming, threatening. Well, Obama, you've been willing to treat him differently. Instead of the angry parent spanking the country (to continue my metaphor here) for discipline, you reached out to them, and talked to them. You've even made an open video to Iran and its people on their new year (check it here.) I assure you, with kids, this gets better results. It seems to with Iranian leaders, too. Click here for something on that (it's an opinion piece, but it isn't super pro-Obama, and it explains things fairly well.)

In fact, we're the most admired country in polls, better than our 7th place prior. So even if not everyone at home is thrilled with you, Mr. President, again, our foreign affairs are doing pretty well.

But you've got a long way to go, baby.

I'm hoping that you step up now and earn this prize. That you:
*Close Guantanamo Bay
Remember how to pledged to do this, Mr. President? The time has come.
*Work on exiting Iraq
Listen, I get it. You can't just pull everyone from the country just because. We went in there, and even though you and I both disagreed with doing it, we have to finish what we started, in that we have to render the country able to handle itself. But let's get an exit strategy going. Maybe work on strengthening the Iraqi government so that they can take over? But let's not keep just going along with all this. You have brilliant military people at your disposal. Meet with them.
*Fix Afghanistan
Remember? Our first war? It's becoming a big war albatross. Those brilliant military minds? Keep utilizing them, straighten this shit out.
*Keep working on climate issues
Many other countries think we're asses for being so blind about the issues with the Earth as a whole. Hell, I bet someone reading this blog is thinking about how further studies are needed, we're just in a normal pattern, et cetera. We're not. We need to green our country, and the planet as a whole.
*Forget mending fences with jaded Republicans
They hate you simply because you're liked. You can't win them all, Mr. President. So, reach out to...and include...Republicans who can actually bother to think for themselves and compromise. And fuck the rest. They're unchangeable. I give you credit, you've tried pretty hard to be a people pleaser in that respect. But people who are going to continually be petty and unhappy just because their dude didn't win won't give you an inch. See them as the children they are, and learn to only deal with adults.

Just some suggestions, Mr. President. Because, seriously, you have three more years, and this is one of your few laurels. Instead of resting, show everyone that - fuck yeah, you deserve this shit. Convince us all. I'm rooting for you.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Oink, oink

No, it's not another fat blog, promise.

It's a little worse.

I have officially been exposed to swine flu. Or H1N1 as the pc people call it nowadays.

Two confirmed cases at my work. Not in my class, but still kids I'm regularly around. Plus, we share teachers with that room. So, pretty scary.

My doctor put me on Tamiflu as a preventative measure yesterday. I did a lot of soul searching and research before popping the first pill of ten last night. I'm uncertain about how safe it is still, and I loathe taking drugs while pregnant, but let's look at it logically. I'm pregnant. I'm asthmatic. last time I had a serious bout of flu, it turned to pneumonia. Which is horrible if you're pregnant.

So I'm doing a lot of praying right now that this was the best choice, knowing that I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place. Luckily, the vaccine - which I am getting - will be out by the end of this month, and my ob/gyn and the local health dept. are both stocking the thimerosal free version. So this Tamiflu should hopefully carry me through til then. Mostly.

Still nervous. But, luckily, I've had no reaction at all to the Tamiflu. Which is good, at least in that it often makes people vomit profusely, which wouldn't be stellar for the baby.

I'm crossing everything possible that this all turns out ok...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Fat and Pregnant...

You're not supposed to freak out about your weight while pregnant. I mean, you're not supposed to be insane, but pregnant chicks gain weight.

But I *am* freaking out.

Those of you who know me know that went from a size 24, 280 pound chick after Rhi was born to a size 6, 140 pound chick in about two years. I did it with Weight Watchers and a bunch of exercise, and I'm very very proud of it.

But losing all that weight does something to you. If I gained over, say 2-3 pounds, I freaked out a little. I *had* to get back down. Immediately. So this pregnancy is, well, difficult. To say the least.

I've gained, at last count (read as "from when I weighed myself this morning." But I was wearing clothes and it was after I ate, so it's not totally accurate), about seven pounds. Not good for a first trimester, but not the worst ever, since I have all of a week of two left to trimester two. But I'm nervous about it nonetheless. I don't want to gain a billion pounds with this baby and spend another two years taking it off. I'm freaked out by the thought of having to restart WW, and recount points, and do all that crap. And it's hard for me to see myself not gaining a bunch more weight with this pregnancy, due to a few factors. One, I'm *always* hungry. Think of how you feel after you haven't eaten for a long time, that ravenous, almost puking from hunger, dizzy, shaky feeling. Imagine that EVERY TWO HOURS. No joke. Also, I have morning sickness that seems to best cure itself when confronted with comfort foods, like mac and cheese, pasta, avocados, mashed potatoes, and Cheezits. None of those are at all low calorie.

And then there's the fatigue. My normal gym buff self appears to have gotten lost somewhere. I'm confronted with someone who is so tired that the gym, while a good idea theoretically, is also just not happening for. And the few times I have gone, I've been practically decimated by workouts that normally would have been NOTHING to me. Like, thirty minutes on the treadmill, once a light workout, makes me feel like I've climbed the Alps. And don't even get me started on the weights. I'm lifting at least twenty pounds less than normal and straining to do it.

On one hand, I know I need to take steps to get myself on a better track. I need to stop whining and start finding a better way of doing things. I need to get motivated to get back to the gym and suck it up. But on the other hand, I keep thinking, "Man, there's a very short time left in my first trimester. Everything is supposed to even out a little then. Maybe I should just let it ride for the time being, and start again when I feel less horrible all the time." But there's no real reason the believe that at the second trimester - POOF! - I'll be 100% again, so I should probably just get over it now.

I don't know. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Lots of things I want to talk about today, so this is going to be an awfully random blog.

First of all, it's Banned Books Week. You probably have seen me mention this is one of eighty other places, but it bears mention. I'm firmly against banning books, even - and especially - children's books. You don't like the idea of your kid reading "And Tango Makes Three," a book about two gay penguins who adopt a baby? Don't read it. Don't let YOUR kid read it. But don't stop everyone else from reading it, either. I think you all should take a list at the banned books from the last decade or so, by clicking right here and then here to read why some books are challenged. Then pick up a banned book or two and read them. In honor of freedom of speech. And not being terrified of anything even slightly different than you. And do what your can to support the ALA and the abffe.

Secondly, I'm doing a little better with this second kid thing. Less freaked out, for sure. I know that we'll manage somehow. Thanks to everyone who commented. I seriously appreciate the support and advice.

I do have something to ask you all. We intended to wait until the big ultrasound to tell Rhi. But the big ultrasound can take like an hour, and they actually advise that you don't bring your kid to it. We have a smaller one coming up in October, and I'll be, like, thirteen weeks then. Is that too soon to tell her? I'm concerned only because my mom lost a baby at like 23 weeks. :( And I don't think I could cope if I miscarried and had to explain to Rhi what happened. But seriously, there's a risk the entire pregnancy. And I can't wait til the baby pops out to prepare her out of my own fear. So, advice? Some of you have more than one kid. How'd you tell the youngest? Do you have any book recommendations or anything that you used to help explain?

I'm pretty over feeling sick all the time. It seems like I constantly feel nauseated and tired. I was so lucky with Rhi to not have those symptoms. This one's a whole different ballgame. And nothing's consistent. One day I want comfort foods, one day I want meat, one day something will taste amazing and the next it's wretched. And I have to eat ALL THE TIME. Seriously, a couple times, I've woken up because I was so hungry. After eating right before bed. How weird is that? Sigh. Three weeks left of trimester one. Hopefully it tapers off after that.

I have to mention here that Shane is the sweetest, most supportive man ever. He does literally everything to make sure I feel ok, to take care of me. I appreciate it so much. He's such a great boyfriend, and he's going to be a wonderful dad.

I'm sick of the comparisons of Obama to Hitler. I'm not 100% down with everything Obama does at all, but let's get over ourselves here. It was irritating when people said it about Bush, too. You know who was Hitler? Hitler. No one else. I get that America's in a shaky place. I get that the government has made almost everyone angry in some way. But calling someone Hitler won't fix it. I read a great article today that I totally agreed with on what could vastly help, though. So I'm posting a link to it here, and I sincerely hope you'll all read it. Whining does nothing to fix the American government. Getting involved could.

I've got more, but, damn, I'm nauseated. So I'm going to go drink some ginger ale and try not to puke. Great way to end, yeah? lol.

Until next time.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Baby Stuff

This won't be the longest blog ever or anything. Just kind of a baby update.

We had our first prenatal appointment today. It was pretty much par for the course. When was your last period, don't take drugs, height and weight, that kind of thing.

We're having the baby at Boone, with the same doctor I used for Rhi. She's very ok with me trying to have a vbac, as long as I go into labor on my own and we don't have to use any kind of drugs to push the labor along. So that's good. If I don't go into labor naturally, though, I have to have a second C-section.

My due date is May 11th of next year, and in January, we get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. So that's exciting. I have no real feeling as to which it is. With Rhi, I just KNEW she was a girl, but this one is...well, a baby. Shane is certain that it's a boy.

We did see the heartbeat, which was pretty amazing. We didn't hear it yet, but we saw it. :)

Friday, September 25, 2009

Mean Girls

I love the movie Mean Girls. Love it. I think it's hilarious. I've probably seen it nine or ten times, and the crazy, over the top shit that Lindsey Lohan does in her quest to rule the Plastics always amused me a hyperbole of a normal high school life.

I don't like it when it's reality, though.

Today at work, some craziness went down. A co-worker of mine that I've always respected and liked went off on another co-worker that I again respect and like. It was a horrible bitch out fest that involved a lot of four letter words but no real explanation from the yeller and a lot of confusion and hurt from the yellee, who had no idea what she'd done to merit such a verbal smackdown. She was upset enough that she spent most of the afternoon crying, on and off. Not really like her at all.

It was bad, it happened, and that was the end. Right?


The woman who got yelled at was confused and upset, and ruminating on what happened, trying desperately to understand what she'd done. Meanwhile, another who works closely with the woman who got yelled at but is close friends with the woman who did the yelling (sorry, I know it's confusing, but I don't like naming names in public blogs) was going around, running her mouth to everyone on Earth about why her friend had screamed at her co-worker. She told everyone except for the person who was yelled at, myself, and my two closest friends at work.

So the rumor mill swirled and swirled, until it came to rest on me and my friends. When we found out the alleged reason behind everything, one of us told the co-worker who'd been yelled at. Why perpetrate the rumors? Well, this girl was killing herself thinking about this, and if you've ever had a situation like that, you know it would have plagued her all weekend. So, we told her, but we also all agreed that there had to be some other reasoning somewhere there. What we heard seemed like a really dumb reason to go off on someone, and the person who did the yelling...well, that behavior is highly uncharacteristic of her. We hadn't noticed any real tension before, and she had some personal shit going down. I believed it likely that come Monday, the women involved would talk it out, and everything would be settled.

But what's happening until's outrageous.

My entire workplace seems to have taken sides, like this is some great battle of the ages that requires them to be soldiers. I would not have been surprised to hear that someone had shown up in a "Team (unnamed person)" shirt. Grown women (we are all over twenty, and the people doing most of this are in their late thirties to early forties) were essentially hazing anyone there that they thought weren't on the side of the yeller. And the yellee? They spent half the afternoon plotting ways to make her last few hours at work totally miserable. Even worse, one of my friends...who is as neutral in this as Sweden...was treated like a pariah simply for not taking up the flag of the yeller and refusing to be an ass to the yellee. It's gone beyond loyalty to a friend and into the realm of psychotic religious fervor, almost. And it's ridiculous. Some of these women are IN THEIR FORTIES. We can't figure out a less shrew-like way to act by then?!?!?!? Seriously?!?!?!?!?

Worst, I don't think that the woman who did the yelling would want everyone to be taking sides and showing their asses. I imagine that, if left to her own devices, she would probably end up feeling like she should have handled it more maturely, come in Monday, and dealt with it more maturely. Unfortunately, I believe that her friends will do her the disservice of telling her that she was totally right and perfect and nothing she did was at all wrong, and it will bolster her up past her thoughts of "Jesus, maybe I fucked that up by letting my emotions get the best of me." It will instead turn into some self righteous nonsense on her part, all because of an over-zealous group mentality. And that's ridiculous.

You know, I can't think of a single time where I've seen men behave this ridiculously. They may bitch someone out, but they don't feel the need, generally, to gang up and take sides and act foolish over it. They deal with it and move on. Since women are supposed to be more mature, why the hell are we the ones acting like idiots? Well, I swear, I'm done. I'm sure I've been as stupid before as everyone acted today, but, you know what? I'm not going to be that person anymore. Because seeing it from the outside in just reinforces to me how ugly it is. And I never, ever want to be as ugly as the women I saw today were. Externally, they could have all been Giselle, and that behavior would have twisted them into cracked out, makeupless Amy Winehouse with Rosie O'Donnell's body and Paris Hilton's wonky eye.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Calgon, take me away

I'm seriously freaking out tonight.

It could just be pregnancy hormones and stuff, but it suddenly hit me. I'm going to have a second child.

What the fuck am I going to do with a second kid?

Don't get me wrong, I already love this kid, and although it was unplanned, it is wanted. I'm just scared. Tonight, I can barely handle Rhi. She's clingy, she's whiny, she's into EVERYTHING on Earth, and I just want to ship her off to anywhere until I can stop being so annoyed with her. If she's not full on jumping on me, she's telling me she has to go potty (for the fifth time in the past twenty minutes,) or she's spitting pizza out of her mouth and onto the floor, or she's beating up Shane, or she's asking me to watch a new movie every five seconds, or she wants a drink (her tenth in the last hour, I swear.) She's ripping up stuff she shouldn't be messing with, she's not listening, she's hungry, she's scared, she wants this, she wants that. She's making me insane. And although tonight is something of an aberration, she is a pretty high maintenance child. She craves and feeds on adult attention. So what the hell is going to happen when she can't get my full attention because I'm giving some to the baby?

Nothing good, that's what.

I have a lot of fear that she's not going to cope with this all well. And tonight, I'm so drained from one kid, that I now have this additional fear of how *I* can cope. I feel like I'm going to be the worst mother on Earth. How can I meter out equal time? How can I figure out how to balance two kids?

Seriously. How?

Also, I'm not gonna popped into my head tonight that Shane and I are pretty used to have some kid-free time every week. Rhi's day takes her one night, and my mom sometimes takes her overnight, too. So we're suddenly going to not have that, like, ever. We have a lot of family around, but I was damn paranoid with Rhi, so I almost never left her with even my mom until she was one. And I worry that Shane and I will both have issues coping with less time to ourselves, and less time as a couple. I know we're totally solid, and strong enough to handle it, but the adjustment is going to be a hard one nonetheless.

Compounding my insanity tonight is the fact that this house is totally never organized. It was fine when it was just Shane's stuff in his room, but with mine and Rhi's, we're getting so overly cluttered, it's ridiculous. The biggest issue is that we don't have dressers. I *have* dressers, but they're in a storage shed across town, and we have no truck. My mom has a truck, but she's been dealing with a lot of crap right now, and I hate bothering her like that. But I'm coming to the end of a rapidly fraying rope on this lack of organization, and fast.

*Sigh.* Sorry to be so whiny tonight, folks, but I actually feel better having typed that.

Oh! And because it just popped into my head, and I know you read this, Jenna, I still want you to take pictures sometime in the not too distant future. And again after the baby is born. :) Let me know what your schedule is like, ok?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Medical Mysteries with Star

Hey, remember that Medical Mysteries show that they had on ABC for a short time? Where they'd, like, give you this list of symptoms and small backstory on someone and you had to guess what was wrong with them, then they eventually told you?

Probably not. You probably are less lame than me and did things that sucked less than watching ABC primetime.

Well, we're gonna play the Medical Mysteries game, regardless.

Patient Star is 27 years old. Her symptoms are:
-light headedness
-palpitations (occasionally)
-aversions to certain foods
-peeing a lot

Any guesses on what these symptoms mean?

*commercia break*

If you guessed that Star is dying of a horrible disease, you are so wrong, and also, you should stop cursing people by saying such things. Jesus. What'd Star ever do to you, anyways? She's pretty nice and stuff.

Oh, yeah, if you guessed pregnancy, give yourself a gold star, because you are correct.

Shane and I are six weeks pregnant, and appear to be due on the 19th of May. I'll have my first appointment on the 12th of October, and we'll know more then.

Commonly asked questions:
-Yes, we were pregnant before the breakup. No, we didn't know when we got back together, ergo, we did not get back together "for the baby."
-No it wasn't planned.
-No, we are not getting married right now. Why? Because I'm not letting you all say Shane just married me for the baby, that's why. Also, other reasons. But that's one of the largest.
-Yes, I am the hottest pregnant chick you know. Duh. ;)
-No, I'm not telling Rhi yet. Early pregnancy is fraught with potential for bad things to happen, and while I could explain that to you all if it happened, I couldn't to a two year old. She'll know when we have the ultrasound. And, trust, she won't notice me getting bigger, she didn't notice when I bleached my hair, for godsakes. And if she does, she'll just think I'm fat.

So there you go, folks. The big news.

Yay babies.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Birthing in the USA : part one of two

Since we discussed health care, let's discuss one of the most expensive procedures people routinely have...childbirth.

Childbirth in the country has started to go a little something like this: you arrive at a hospital, because you are being induced. You are changed into a hospital gown. You are hooked up to something to cause contractions, usually Pitocin. You are monitored at least once an hour, but sometimes continuously to ensure that the Pitocin isn't stressing the baby. You are made to stay in or near your bed, in your room. A nurse checks on you regularly. If you don't progress quickly enough, you're recommended for C-section.

The number of babies induced in this country is placed somewhere around 40% in most cases. So, let me just reiterate...nearly half of all babies born are brought into this world not because the mothers body, which has grown and nurtured the baby for 40 weeks unconsciously knows that it's time to go and begins the process, but because a mother is forced into birth. Usually shortly after, and sometimes even before her due date.

That's crazy talk.

Don't get me wrong. There are many, many valid medical reasons for inducing a labor. But those valid reasons don't happen in forty percent of births. Instead, women are usually induced out of convenience. Either because they want to know when hey baby will be arriving so they can get time off, or pan it out or whatever, or so their doctor can have it planned. Doesn't seem so bad, when you put it that way.

Except that induced births can have many, many complications. First of all, your due date is a guess. Very, very few people have sex so infrequently that they can be sure of the date. And most women have literally no understanding of when they're fertile, so they can't accurately pin it down to even a few days. So, you could have gotten pregnant earlier or later than you're imagining, rendering that due date totally inaccurate. Also, most women, especially new mothers, "bake" their babies a little longer, often going to 41 weeks. Most pregnancies have no problems with going beyond the due date, as long as you're not beyond 42 weeks, where complications can begin to occur.

Also, inductions are painful. Contractions are worse. The mother often requests drugs, even if she was totally adamant about not getting them before. There's more stress on not just your body, but also on your baby.

And since it's known that extra stress will be on the baby, you're usually stuck in a bed, being constantly or semi-constantly monitored.

This is a bad plan.

When you lie in a bed, your pelvis is actually almost compressed, so the opening is smaller. You want your pelvic opening to be big, so you can get the baby out. Also, you don't get any help from gravity, which, in other positions, helps the baby move down and out. It also encourages fetal malpresentation, and can mess with the oxygen supply to the baby. All of which can push you towards getting a c-section.

Plus, all of this is way, way more expensive than a normal delivery would be.

This is going to, unintentionally, be a part one of two. I'll expound more later, because there's a lot more I want to say on this topic. Until then, I suggest checking out The Business of Being Born, or A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Healthcare in the USA

Let me tell you about a defining moment in my life.

A few years ago, I worked generating leads for a small health insurance brokerage. The pay was good, I was decent, and I liked doing it. So I decided to get my license and sell insurance.

I was cold calling people one day, talking to farmers and small businesses in southern Missouri when I called a man named Jim. Jim was a farmer, he had two kids, and his family had owned that land for something like two hundred and fifty years. That might be an exaggeration, but it seriously was a crazy number like that. Well, crazy for America, at least. Anyways, Jim had an eight year old son who had cancer. Luckily, Jim had health insurance and always paid his premiums, and Jim's son's life was saved. And they all lived happily ever after.

Well, that's how it should have gone.

Instead, Jim's insurance company, who he'd been insured through for twenty seven years, denied the son's cancer treatments, calling them experimental. So, Jim was actively looking to sell his farm to treat his son. They took up a collection at a local church and had some other fundraisers, but it wasn't enough. Cancer treatments are pricey. They were also fighting the insurance company, but they didn't have much hope of getting anywhere, and they feared it would take too long anyway.

Jim's son did get treatment, after he sold his farm and collected more money, but by then it was too late. He died.

When you live in a country like America, with wealth and riches and groundbreaking advances in medicine, you don't expect to hear something like that. You don't expect the reality of the fact that to insurance companies, you are an investment, and they don't want you if you're a bad one. You don't expect that someone would aid in keeping a kid from getting healthy, from seeing their ninth damn birthday, just because of the almighty dollar. That all happens somewhere else, right?


No. It happens here, way more often than you'd ever, ever imagine. It happens primarily to self insured people who run small businesses and farm, who are supposed the backbone of the nation. And in case you don't care about them, there's also the estimated 45 million Americans who have no insurance at all.

45 MILLION. That's an insane amount of people.

Also, let's take a look at the World Health Organization's ranking of the worlds health. Numbers go best to worst. In the interest of fairness, this was done in 2000. However, not much has improved since then.

1 France
2 Italy
3 San Marino
4 Andorra
5 Malta
6 Singapore
7 Spain
8 Oman
9 Austria
10 Japan
11 Norway
12 Portugal
13 Monaco
14 Greece
15 Iceland
16 Luxembourg
17 Netherlands
18 United Kingdom
19 Ireland
20 Switzerland
21 Belgium
22 Colombia
23 Sweden
24 Cyprus
25 Germany
26 Saudi Arabia
27 United Arab Emirates
28 Israel
29 Morocco
30 Canada
31 Finland
32 Australia
33 Chile
34 Denmark
35 Dominica
36 Costa Rica
37 United States of America
38 Slovenia
39 Cuba
40 Brunei

This is why I believe that we need a government plan of action. President Obama's is explained here, here, and here.

Here's what I like about Obama's plan:
*Offers coverage to all
*Allows private insurance to compete (private insurance, though riddled with corruption currently, is a field that many people are employed through or by. Plus, some people are going to balk at anything involving health insurance and the government, and, hey...they aren't forced into anything. Good call. I also think the competition will help keep private insurance playing fair. They have to do better to hope to compete.)
*I like the idea of funding primarily from repealing tax cuts to the wealthy. The idea is great. But I'm pretty sure it, like everything else, won't be as crystal clear cut as all that.
*I LOVE that you couldn't be denied for a preexisting condition or assigned nine million riders on things. Right now, for me to get private insurance, it'd be about $90/month. I'm 27, non-smoking, 5'9" and 138 pounds, and in good health. That's with a $5000 deductible. Also, did I mention it wouldn't cover anything involving maternity, asthma, or anything related to migraines, since I've suffered them in the past, or anything involving the area where my C-section was? So I'd be paying for, well, not a whole lot. If I wasn't totally denied coverage based on the aforementioned health concerns.

What I don't like:
*It doesn't appear to be addressing medical malpractice. Medical malpractice insurance is RIDICULOUS and a large part of the reason that bills are also ridiculous.
*I'm not sure I really have heard much about the funding besides cutting unnecessary programs and repealing tax cuts. I'd like more information, please.
*I'm very against the idea of mandating that you must have insurance. I'd understand for kids, but I'm conflicted on the rest. I can see how it's better...people being uninsured is a huge issue that makes up another chunk of why we pay so much for health care. But I also think that we have choices, and if you're so against insuring your own health...well, that's you. Obama first said he wouldn't mandate it, but implied later that he wouldn't rule it out.

I don't have all of the answers concerning health care. I think Obama's on the right track, but, like I said, improvements could happen. I also think we need to be given a more realistic, less rose colored glasses view of things. But America doesn't, as a whole, like to hear the whole story. As country, we seem to only listen to a small portion of a plan, generally manipulated by some source (ie, Obama's plan is socialized health care) and then embellish and repeat it, over and over. Until we start, as a country, becoming more interested and less apathetic towards all things political, there's not much chance of us ever easily getting the whole story, though.

Monday, July 27, 2009


(AA meeting style)

Hi, my name is Star, and I'm a jealous bitch.

*Hi, Star.*

(/meeting to get to the point...)

It's not that my boyfriend is some crazy player type, and I ever have to worry. Far from it. My boyfriend is a sweet, caring, wonderful man who is one of the last people on Earth you would ever think would do anything like that.

And it's not even that I think he is, or would, or anything. I actually believe that any girl stupid enough to not sense the so-happily-taken-it's-ridiculous vibe radiating off of him would get shot down with a quickness. In a nice way, but still. I have every confidence in his fidelity.

It isn't that I begrudge him female friends, either. *I* have guy friends. And I think more of them would have nefarious intentions towards me than his chick friends do towards him. And although I have my suspicions that a few of his girl friends would like to step out of the friend zone, none of them has ever done anything to make me go, "No. That's just blatantly offensive, enough, her or me." One of them would have to do something ridiculous, like sprawl naked in his bed and proposition him, for me to even contemplate something crazy like that.

But, man, sometimes he has certain friends that I just internally seethe when I hear him talk to, about, text to, et cetera. And there's no rhyme or reason to I said, even if *they* had designs, I trust him, implicitly. So that's not it.

Nor do I think he's going to wake up and go, "Jesus, I'm dating...her? Really?" I don't have low self esteem normally or anything. I'm a pretty egotistical person by nature. And it's not that I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I think he's amazing, I feel lucky to have him, but he should feel lucky, too. Because I'm a pretty good catch, too.

I'm not doing anything shady, either. You know how they say people who get jealous are sometimes that way because they're doing wrong? Nope, none of that going down.

So why the jealousy?

Seriously. I'm asking. Analyzing it in normal terms hasn't worked (how new and different, me, not being normal, lol.) And it bothers me to have those feelings. And I'm sure it bothers him a little to see me get all green eyed over such dumb shit. But I can't help it.


Saturday, July 18, 2009


When I married, I was sure I was going to have a pretty traditional family.

Well, ok. Maybe not traditional. I mean, it's *my* family, right? I'm pretty out there some times.

But traditionally structured. Husband, wife, two kids. Pets. House. All that stuff.

That didn't quite work out. For many, varied reasons that paint neither of us in a flattering light, my husband and I split awhile back. It was really hard on me. I mean, you always think, when you get married, "This is the one. The one I love forever, the one I'll always be happy with, and if there are problems, they'll be fixable. Because it's forever." But the reality of those problems and issues are sometimes just too much. And it's heartbreaking, because you feel like you lost your future. And it seems like no one will ever love you again, like all your flaws and issues were just too much. And you wonder if you just botched it, what you could have done differently, why it's all your fault. It's quite horrible, to say the least.

Fast forward to now. After all of the drama of the split, Mike and I are actually really good friends. We talk every couple of days, and it's very comforting. Even though we aren't together, we have such a shared history that we understand and relate to each other. We've talked about his recent breakup, about my current relationship, about a plethora of other things. I still very much consider him to be a huge part of my family. This is, happily, not at all a problem for my significant other. At my daughter's second birthday, both guys sat around, talking to each other, to me...and everything was pretty happy. I'm not going to say it wasn't a long, weird, hard process to get to where we are. There were certainly times where I never thought we could all happily co-exist either. And there are certainly times where it's still weird or hard. But I always had the shining example of my parents, who weren't together, but who were amazing co-parents and treated each other with genuine like and respect.

Today, Rhi and I are at the boyfriend's house. Since tonight is Mike's night with the baby, he'll pick her up here. Lots of times, he'll show up with McDonald's teas for the baby, Shane, and me. He and I will talk briefly, I'll kiss the baby, I'll give Mike a hug, and they'll go off. Tomorrow, I'll go pick her up, and spend some time at Mike's mom's house, hanging out while he fixes a belt on my car and recharges the freon. We may run to Hyvee and get some California rolls to split. We'll discuss the computer he's buying from Shane. It'll be completely un-normal, and far removed from traditional, but nice nonetheless.

I may not have wound up with my original idea of the perfect family, but this one...filled with love and light and friends and pretty damn amazing.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

That old blog standby, bitching about work

I hate my job today.

How is that news? you wonder. Don't we all hate our jobs?

Well, I'm in a minority in that I love what I do. I'm a preschool teacher, and I mostly adore that. Coming up with things for my kids to do, seeing the light bulb go on when they finally get a new concept, the stumbling first letters, the early socialization...I love it all. I can say with all honesty that I love every child in my class. Even the ones who are bad, or loud, or slow, or have attitudes like a Jerry Springer guest. And, little known fact, last year, when my first class graduated, I cried. This is one of the few jobs I've ever had where I felt like I made a difference, where I felt like I had a calling, not just a money maker.

But I hate the school.

Actually, not even that. See, I love the school in theory. We're a non-profit, we're affordable, and every teacher there...with one glaring exception...loves the hell out of the kids and wants only what's best for them. The staff is fairly close knit, and we tend to stay around awhile.

But then there's the administration.

My boss is...*sigh.* I'm not even sure where to start on that. I believe that she once was great at her job. But I think she's burnt out on dealing with it all. And, quite frankly, I'm not sure she should have been honed for managerial duties anyways. She's fantastic at schmoozing the parents, at calming down the pissed off. But she fails to see all the potential in her staff. She barely knows us at all, and she gets so caught up in making us fit into the preconceived notions that she has of us that she loses the forest for the trees. To be all cliched.

She gets so focused on what everyone else wants that she forgets the staff entirely. Let me give you an example. We're having a fundraiser. It has a silent auction. Every room is having something in this silent auction. The proceeds from this go entirely to the room for the wish list. Fantastic idea, grade A, seriously. Love it. Except, none of the rooms were given any input into the baskets at all. We have no idea what will be in them. And we're the ones who interact with the kids and parents enough that we could have had seriously valuable ideas that could have generated fantastic revenue. And, the fundraiser is on a day the school isn't open. The administration wants us to work it. No big deal, I legitimately want to see the place succeed because I believe in the mission. However, instead of *asking* us, we were told we were *expected* to be there. Without pay. For five hours. Potentially plus clean up.

It's all about respect, and we simply don't get it. If a parent complains about anything, no matter how ridiculous, we're expected to comply by doing whatever it takes to make that parent happy. For instance:

One of my more vocal parents complained that the picture above was entirely too suggestive, and told my boss that I should remove it. Now, look closely,'s a kiss. A closed mouthed kiss. All it suggests is that I like my boyfriend. It doesn't show nudity, we're not groping each other, not slipping tongues. My two year old has seen this picture often. And, it's not like it was posted on a wall in poster format. It was a 4x6, framed, behind my desk, on a shelf. Not even at a child's eye level. But, since a single parent complained about how ridiculously sexual and suggestive in nature it is (/sarcasm) I had to remove it. I wonder, if I had had a wedding picture up, like the "you may kiss the bride" variety...would that have been as offensive?

Other things that parents have found offensive that we as a staff we're supposed to change:
*length of shorts
*variety of clothes
*music listened to during nap time
*too many calls home when a child was running a 101 degree fever for several days in a row
*telling a child not to hum at the lunch table
*not giving the child a choice in everything that they do
*the blind in a room not going completely up
*too much time outside
*too little time outside
and it goes on and on. But if a parent says it, it must be true, and we should all just hop to fixing it. And while I genuinely like most of the parents, some are just those people, you know? The ones that you can't ever please. Ever.

We also get literally no credit for going above and beyond. Stay late, come in early, pitch in, do extra...sure. Go ahead. But expect no recognition whatsoever, not even a "hey, thanks!" It's pretty stupid. None of us needs constant praise, but a little recognition occasionally would be pretty sweet, you know? I mean, on any given day, we deal with screaming, crying, hitting, biting, complaining, whining, clinging, poop, pee, vomit, drool, spit, blood, and we do it for way, way less money than we deserve. We get a little vacation time and some paid holidays. No insurance, not a lot of respect...yeah. A little "great job!" here and there might help offset that a little.

I could go on, but I sound whiny even to myself now. I've vented, I'm moving on, and my boyfriend is tutting over the fact that I'm virtually ignoring him (love you, honey!) Peace out, homefries.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Unapologetic views

I'm going to say something somewhat controversial.

I loathe how pro-mom our legal system is.

Ok, there. Before you crucify me, let me explain.

So, my sister's going through shit with her husband. And she's a student, unemployed, so she's getting legal aid. And they advised her to file an order of protection against her husband for herself and her children. Now, I won't go into her very personal reasons for or against that, because that isn't what this was about. But it did make me think a little.

Awhile back, I called legal aid. They told me that they were low on funding, so there was a waiting list, and then they asked me if I had been in a abusive relationship. I told them no, and they asked me if I was sure. "Sure I'm sure," I told them, confused, "why?"

Apparently, had I said I was abused...having to provide no real proof of this...I would have been bumped to the front of the queue. And they would have advised me to, well, file orders of protection, et cetera. Now, as far as I know, this is only if you have the virtue of being born with a vagina. If you're an abused dude seeking a divorce and custody of your kid, you're pretty much SOL from what I'm told.

And it goes on and on. I personally know three - yes, three - men who had women blatantly lie about them being abusive for the woman's own twisted agenda. "But, Star!" you say, "However do you know that the *woman* lied? Men lie when accused of that all the time, blah blah blah."

They sure do. Because some men are huge, huge dicks. But I *know* these three, and each of them is someone that I know without a doubt would never, never, never do what they were accused of. And as much as men can be huge dicks, women can be vindictive, horrible wenches. The sad thing is that the system is tilted in the favor of the accuser. Men accused of anything domestic get judged pretty much before they even go to court. They're guilty until proven innocent. Their names and reputations? Tarnished at the very hint of it. And unless they have a substantial amount of money, they have no hope of getting off. Because it ceases to be the woman's case instantly, and becomes the state's case. The state, with lots more money than you, prosecutes you relentlessly, while you're generally forced to deal with an over-worked, underpaid public defender, who probably also has prejudged you as guilty. Typically, public defenders urge you to plead guilty. Then, they get less court time, the state gets an easy win, and you get a pretty shitty plea bargain that you can't really argue with, because it's slightly better than the suck you were originally confronted with.

And you don't even have to stand accused of something get shafted as a dude. There are a million stories of bad moms who keep their kids while the decent dad tries and fails to get them. And if a dad does get the kid? A lot of times, the mom pays way, way less than a dad would in support, and judges often say it's so they can "focus on the child." Funny how that seems to be way less important for fathers to do...

I'm not trying to say men shouldn't pay child support (although most current tables for support amounts are ungodly, and I do think that that needs to be revamped to be a fair amount that reasonably supports the child) or that the ones who do commit abuse should get away with it, or that poor women shouldn't be entitled to legal help. Far from it. But I think that the legal system needs to be more discerning. Child support amounts should also take into account cost of living, because if the noncustodial parent can't pay their bills, they certainly can't do any good for their child, and are just set up to fail. Domestic abuse cases should be less prejudged, and public defenders for those and all cases should be better paid and given lesser case loads so that they can seriously focus on the good of the client, and less on getting one more thing out of their hair. Custody shouldn't always instantly go to the parent with the vagina, but to the parent who is willing and able to take the best care of the child. Not monetarily, but with time, love, and understanding. If both parents are fit, they should come up with a mutually agreeable custody plan that hopefully has the time as evenly divided as possible.

Obviously, this isn't a Utopian world where this all can just - POOF! fall into place. But, really...women have been pretty equal for awhile now. (Barring a few things I'll get into another time.) And we should be treated equally in these situations, too.

From one of my favorite books, Inherit the Wind:

Progress has never been a bargain. You have to pay for it.
Sometimes I think there's a man who sits behind a counter and says..."Madam, you may vote but at a price. You lose the right to retreat behind the powder puff or your petticoat."

The legal system needs to stop being the one place that we can still hide behind our petticoats.

Monday, July 13, 2009


So Mondays suck, right?

Yeah, well, they extra suck today.

Everything that could go wrong today has, even things I could never have dreamt of. It started off with the normal Monday crap...hate my boss, work is too early, et cetera...and it just got worse and worse. Into my sister's estranged husband running off with her kids, and someone I love very much losing something very important to them.

It's pretty much the Monday from hell.

And it's beyond just hating the actions. I'm starting to get a serious case of weltschmertz. I'm so seriously depressed by how awful everything on Earth feels right now. I feel like every forward step I've ever taken keeps getting erased. I hate how much injustice is in the world, and I hate how totally powerless I feel right now. Powerless to stop it. Powerless to fix it. Powerless to do anything at all.

Powerlessness sucks.

I'm a very proactive person. I take steps to fix things, I'm aggressive, I don't wait. I don't let things ride. I make them better, damn it. And...I can't. Seriously. Can't. Do. Anything. I'm totally defeated.

So repetitive, I know, but I can't express it enough.

And I'm so not used to being depressed. I mean, I've had bouts, generally prior to leaving my husband and during some of the drama thereafter. But my life has been coasting along in this quiet, happy, contented way. And then, BOOM! It's all sorts of crap, in a second.

I don't even know how to end this. I have no real closing.

This wasn't even supposed to be an emo blog like this. It was supposed to be this insightfully amusing blog about how stupid bosses are, how ridiculous things in the workplace can be. But then a whopping case of life happened, and I sit.

I promise next time this won't be so...unfun, I guess. Things will get better, I'm sure, and everyone will be happier, and I'll crack jokes and all my normal jazz.

Until then.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Is it just me, or does it seem like everyone else on Earth is having the kinkiest, most promiscuous sex ever?


Yesterday, I read a gossip know, to catch up on my nonessential celebrity news (it's like candy for the brain, so don't judge) and there was all sorts of stuff about whether or not the Rhianna sex tape was really her or not. And it's not like that's isolated. There's the Kim Kardashian sex tape, the Paris Hilton sex tape (ewww at the thought of Paris Hilton having sex ever, btw) and a million others.

It's not just celebs, either. I am acquainted with at least ten people who regularly indulge in things like threesomes, swinging, video taping. And really, who hasn't sent a dirty picture via cell phone cam? Stuff like that seems to be alarmingly commonplace nowadays.

Don't get me wrong. I'm in no way a prude, nor anti-sex, nor do I judge anyone with multiple partners or websites or anything like that. It's all you, so have fun with that. But I can't see myself doing all of those things. I'm a fan of sex, but I've never had a one night stand, never been part of an orgy, never swapped. Maybe there's something odd about me, but I have a really hard time removing emotions from my sexual equation. If I'm going to have sex with you, I'm going to have to actually give a damn about you. Guy over there, you're eye candy, and, wow, my hormones rev when I see you...but I can't follow through, because I don't even know your last name, dude.

And threesomes...don't they seem like they'd be way less sexy outside of your fantasy? If you're experimenting with someone you care about, do you really, really, really want to see them enjoying someone else that way? And even if you're totally unlike me, and you can remove the whole emotional jealousy thing, what about practical things like STDs? Do you insist that each new partner be tested? Do you use extensive amounts of protection? Does all this crap take away at all from the experience in any way?

Seriously. I'm curious.

I also wonder if as many people are having all this crazy sex and honestly not experiencing any types of issues with it. But I guess, "Hey, I totally had a threesome then bitchsmacked the other chick because I caught my husband looking at her boobs in a way he no longer looks at mine," and "After we swapped with the Peterson's, Roger came out and ran away with Margie's husband," aren't as fun to hear, huh?

Maybe I'm pessimistic. Maybe I'm too logical. Maybe I'm too emotional. (How's that for convoluted, putting both of those in there, eh?) I don't feel like my sex life is boring, or vanilla, or like I'm not satisfying/satisfied in bed, but I also don't feel like it seems to fit in with the rest of the crazy shit out there. But, you know, I'm kind of fine with that.

And should the day come that I'm not, well, just be glad I'm not a celebrity, so you won't hear allllll about it. Lol.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Death of a Thriller

A legend died yesterday.

Michael Jackson was one of my favorite performers when I was younger. I can remember watching the Thriller video, the first video I had ever seen, and being blown away...and pretty scared, it. I also remember being moved by the Black or White video. And shocked by the accusations of child molestation that happened later.

Let me segue here to say that I don't think that MJ was a molester. I see him more as, like, Willy Wonka as played by Johnny Depp...socially awkward, a little disturbed. I believe that he was most comfortable around children. And I think that people looking for some quick cash preyed upon that to call some oddities of his into question.

Now that that's taken care of...the music.

One of my friends has been putting up random quotes of MJ songs all day, and I could recognize all of them. Some musicians I listen to all the time don't have that distinction. I love the Ting Tings, but when a friend Tweeted a quote from a song by them, I totally didn't get it. Micheal Jackson's songs are as well known and recognizable as he was.

He was an icon. Some of the people who count him as an inspiration include Ludacris, Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Kobe Bryant, Pete Wentz, and millions more. He shattered walls for black artists. And he was an artist who was truly concerned with making art. His Thriller video, more of a short film, was scrutinized by him...he was honestly worried about how the zombies danced, getting them to look authentic and scary, but having them also bust out some badass, not funny, dance moves. He worked with Martin Scorsese on one of his videos. He was concerned with his art as an expression, as an outlet, as something people could relate to and be touched by.

He was an enigma, but also...down to Earth? Seems odd to say that, since he was pretty much one of the least normal people ever, but it's true. At the peak of his fame, people occasionally found him knocking their doors, witnessing for his faith. He was friends with a number of the ultra famous, and they all remember him fondly as just a really nice guy who would happily talk and listen to you.

But nice, famous people die every day. Pioneers. Legends. So why is this such a big deal?

Michael Jackson epitomized an era for me, and for many others. His music spoke to you, he was larger than life. Having him die...especially at a relatively young age...reminds us all of our mortality. We're not just crying because the music died, but because the fall of his star reminds us mere mortals that we're not only getting older, we're getting closer to the end. Our childhood is behind us, (and, if you grew up around the same time as me, MJ was a large part of your childhood) and we don't quite know what's ahead. But we can take solace in the words of a legend...

“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson.