Sunday, December 13, 2009

7:25 am

I'm not giving a back story on why I'm upset here. Reading this, you'll probably glean an idea, but not a really detailed one, because I really just need to type as therapy and don't want to cause unnecessary drama. So if this confuses anyone who reads it, I'm really sorry. Oh, and I couldn't think of a good title, hence the lame one, lol.

I don't actually like everyone that I meet. I know, gasp of shock, right? Lol. I don't usually bother actively disliking them, though. While I do have a wretched temper, something someone says or does might momentarily flare it, I might rant to someone, (usually Amanda. Shane is awful to rant to because he is always all logical, and, let's face it, emotions aren't the most logical of things) and then I give it no thought. I don't hold grudges usually, unless someone has just deeply, deeply offended me. Sure, I may recall something they once did to annoy me when I'm annoyed at them again, but it's not hovering in my brain as a list of vendettas or anything. I think most people are probably the same way as me.

Anyways, so, even if I don't like someone, I don't make it a huge issue. It's not usually worth it to be so petty, especially since I live in a fairly small town. Ever played six degrees of separation? Pretty easy here where most of the locals seem to be related and lines of friendship and relationships get oh-so-complex. And, save that, I admit that sometimes, I'm totally wrong about someone. I have friends that, at first, I didn't like for some reason, that I now think are awesome and feel ridiculous for disliking. I have no problem copping to it when I've misjudged people, either. Nor do I mind being proven wrong about such things. At heart, I really like to see the good in people. I am not a person who feeds off drama and discontentment.

I really don't like being unfairly labeled as someone who would be bitchy and petty and overly dramatic, though. I stupidly let that stuff get to me, because I think I have way, way more class than that. So instead of being like my friend Susie, who'd shrug it off (probably by saying, "What a bitch. Hope they get kicked in the junk." lol) or a number of other friends who'd just think "I didn't like that bitch anyways, and I was obviously right," I take it to heart. And I dwell on it. Not because it's their opinion that matters - I really am not horribly worried what most people think of me - but because *I* don't want to be that petty person. So I scrutinize myself to see why someone would think that, and, moreso, why they would vocalize a thought like that, that seems so out of left field to me. And I dwell, because I convince myself that somehow, *I* did something to make said person think that way. I've been doing that, with this unnamed situation, for the past twenty four hours. But I don't think I want to bother anymore. I've gone over it, and I honestly can't see anything that I've done that would justify the implication of me as that type of insensitive person. Not everyone is going to realize the type of person I am, and I can't let other people being inaccurate and disrespectful bother me this much. So I'm just letting it go. Also, I'm going to try to stop beating myself up over these types of things. If I did something wrong, I'll apologize and go on my way, but if I didn't, I'm not going to be overly worried about it.

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