Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Well, hello there

Hi, people coming to my blog for literally no reason other than to find passages so you can twist them into ridiculous diatribes about me. Are you having fun with all that? I sure hope so. You've devoted an awful lot of time and energy to your hatred of me; I'd be so sad if it wasn't doing something awesome for you. I mean, digging up blog posts and comments from years ago? Man, that requires some true dedication right there. And God knows, no one ever changes in that length of time and taking things totally out of context is a swell plan. I see a future for you as a Fox News reporter - they have very similar tactics. Or perhaps a tabloid reporter? I mean, since you say you're working a job underneath your talents, I think you should be elevated to where you belong. I am all about bettering yourself.

Since it must be exhausting to search to find evidence of any and all of my flaws - and there are many! - allow me to help you! Here's a not at all complete list:

* I have really big feet. You might expect this from someone who is 5'9", but they are massive. I wear a size ten. It's sometimes really hard to find good shoes and I have actually had significant others of the male variety whose feet are smaller than mine. I know, right? On the plus side, if I were a dude, and that big feet, big...ahem, shoes...myth were true, I would be set.

* I also have really long fingers. And semi-long toes, too, although not as freakishly long as my fingers. Seriously, the fact that I have literally no musical talent is sad, because these hands would only be epic if I played piano. I don't, though.

*I am an abysmal singer. I can't carry a tune in a bucket. AND I STILL SING KARAOKE. Clearly, I have a horrible disregard for all people drunk in bars. Oh, the horror.

* I have stretch marks. Mostly on my stomach. It's not super pretty. I also have some loose skin there that I'm not super thrilled with. Also in the realm of cosmetic things about myself, I have a really terrible ass. It's kind of flat and super bony. I can't sit on someone's lap without puncturing their thigh, practically. If butt implants weren't so ridiculous, I might contemplate them. And I'm vain. Yup. So am. I worry about my physical appearance. I rarely pass a reflective surface where I don't glance to make sure I don't have something out of place.

* I'm impatient. I don't really think I need to explain this.

* I have a horrible temper. I have to work really hard to quell it. Having children has helped that to some degree - I don't want to fly off the handle with them - but it's a work in progress.

* I'm a terrible judge of character. I trust people entirely too easily and I assume, until proven wrong, that everyone is a good and decent person. I have also, in the past, severely misjudged people that later became some of my best friends. See? Awful at this stuff.

* I tend to, at any given time, way overextend myself. I get involved in a trillion things and have a hard time turning down commitments. It exhausts me. Then I get anxious and awful to deal with.

* I usually have one foot out the door in relationships. This is in direct contradiction to the terrible judge of character thing, but I have a difficult time trusting the intentions of people that I am with. Call it being jaded. Call it expecting the worst. It's not because I magically assume I can do so much better at all times, but it is a total defense mechanism.

* I'm magnificently socially awkward. Once I warm up to people, I can crack jokes and be fun and all that, but I have a hard time getting there. I can appear very standoffish to a lot of people. Lots of people assume that this is because I'm a snobby bitch when, in reality, I just spent years of my life not really fitting in and I'm subsequently a little stunted. I can also withdraw completely from close friendships sometimes just because I can't handle them at the time. My long term friends know this about me, and somehow still manage to love me despite it.

* I have issues with depression. It's not very fun. I can get into really dark places sometimes. I had a previous blog post about this; you can draw on that for material if you wish.

* I'm very stubborn and fiercely independent. And arrogant. I have an overdose of self esteem.

* I am terrible at math. I tend to be somewhat academically gifted, but math can reduce me to tears. And not just trig or anything. Basic algebra can render me a mess. I hate it.

* I have, as previously mentioned, little to no artistic talent. And I come from a very artistic mother and have a super artistic sister. Good times. Was a real source of feeling like shit about myself as a kid. I've gotten mostly over it, although I envy those who are artistic.

And, oh, my the list could continue for days, but there you go. I am quite self aware, you see. Titus said something in his Love is Evol standup that summed it up pretty well: "And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it."

Love and kisses,