I'm seriously freaking out tonight.
It could just be pregnancy hormones and stuff, but it suddenly hit me. I'm going to have a second child.
What the fuck am I going to do with a second kid?
Don't get me wrong, I already love this kid, and although it was unplanned, it is wanted. I'm just scared. Tonight, I can barely handle Rhi. She's clingy, she's whiny, she's into EVERYTHING on Earth, and I just want to ship her off to anywhere until I can stop being so annoyed with her. If she's not full on jumping on me, she's telling me she has to go potty (for the fifth time in the past twenty minutes,) or she's spitting pizza out of her mouth and onto the floor, or she's beating up Shane, or she's asking me to watch a new movie every five seconds, or she wants a drink (her tenth in the last hour, I swear.) She's ripping up stuff she shouldn't be messing with, she's not listening, she's hungry, she's scared, she wants this, she wants that. She's making me insane. And although tonight is something of an aberration, she is a pretty high maintenance child. She craves and feeds on adult attention. So what the hell is going to happen when she can't get my full attention because I'm giving some to the baby?
Nothing good, that's what.
I have a lot of fear that she's not going to cope with this all well. And tonight, I'm so drained from one kid, that I now have this additional fear of how *I* can cope. I feel like I'm going to be the worst mother on Earth. How can I meter out equal time? How can I figure out how to balance two kids?
Also, I'm not gonna lie...it popped into my head tonight that Shane and I are pretty used to have some kid-free time every week. Rhi's day takes her one night, and my mom sometimes takes her overnight, too. So we're suddenly going to not have that, like, ever. We have a lot of family around, but I was damn paranoid with Rhi, so I almost never left her with even my mom until she was one. And I worry that Shane and I will both have issues coping with less time to ourselves, and less time as a couple. I know we're totally solid, and strong enough to handle it, but the adjustment is going to be a hard one nonetheless.
Compounding my insanity tonight is the fact that this house is totally never organized. It was fine when it was just Shane's stuff in his room, but with mine and Rhi's, we're getting so overly cluttered, it's ridiculous. The biggest issue is that we don't have dressers. I *have* dressers, but they're in a storage shed across town, and we have no truck. My mom has a truck, but she's been dealing with a lot of crap right now, and I hate bothering her like that. But I'm coming to the end of a rapidly fraying rope on this lack of organization, and fast.
*Sigh.* Sorry to be so whiny tonight, folks, but I actually feel better having typed that.
Oh! And because it just popped into my head, and I know you read this, Jenna, I still want you to take pictures sometime in the not too distant future. And again after the baby is born. :) Let me know what your schedule is like, ok?