As many of you know, yesterday came with an epic win - the return of The Leaky B@@b's Facebook page - and then an epic loss mere hours later. Not only was The Leaky B@@b page removed again, but so was the Bring Back the Leaky B@@b page. (Please note: if you are new to this story, go here for some background.)
Immediately, there was the normal backlash against Facebook. And that was normal, and expected. We should keep in mind, though, that most likely, it was not a human being at Facebook who took the page down at 10pm. More likely, it was the automated system, tripped because of other people, for whatever reason, reporting The Leaky B@@b as offensive. Mark Zuckerberg is not sitting in an office cackling and deleting breastfeeding pages because he has nothing better to do with his time.
Does that make things right? Absolutely not. And, as Jessica Martin-Weber, creator of The Leaky B@@b, has pointed out, it is indicative of a larger problem - Facebook's "delete until proven innocent" stance and the inability to be exempted if you are operating a page that has certain terminology but nothing of a sexual nature on it. (For more, please read Jessica's press statement.)
Since this is what's going on, clearly we should be doing things to ensure that Facebook changes that, right? ...Right????
Except that's not what's happening.
Overnight, angry lactivists have started seeking out and reporting other groups "because they're more offensive than breastfeeding!!!" (I want to make it VERY CLEAR HERE that Jessica Martin-Weber has NOT called for this to occur. This action is not sanctioned by anyone involved with creating or maintaining the Leaky B@@b or its online community. They should not be held responsible for these actions.) I won't list the fanpages that were reported here, but I will say that while they were raunchy in some cases, they were generally not containing nudity and were usually just silly, immature things that people had "liked." Many of them contained women in bras or bikinis. There was even a call - again, NOT from Jessica - for everyone to report Playboy at the same time so THAT page would be crashed.
This is bullshit, guys, and it's got to stop.
First of all, we all find different things to be offensive. I'm offended by Pajama Jeans and Cami Secrets, but you have the right to wear them. No two people reading this blog can probably agree on what is and is not offensive right now. And, guess what? It doesn't matter what I find offensive. I am a grown woman, and I can choose to not look at things that offend me. As long as something doesn't involve the abuse of someone else and it is involving people who are over 18, I don't really get to sit on my high horse and cast judgment on the masses. Sorry, but it's true.
Secondly, breasts have a dual function. I talked about this in my last blog post, but I'm gonna talk about it again. I have pictures on my profile at Facebook of me nursing my kid - and I have pictures of me with epic cleavage in the Victoria's Secret Miraculous bra. Neither one, to me, is offensive. I'm an adult, I posted those pictures, they convey different messages, yet they are both acceptable. A friend of mine has a burlesque company and posts pictures of her ladies and herself clad in their awesomely hot costumes. Another friend is a photographer and sometimes takes risque pictures. And yet another photographer friend has wrapped maternity pictures. I see nothing wrong with any of those things, but some of you may find them offensive. And that's whatever. Again, your right to have those opinions, and your right to not look.
The Facebook policy of deleting until proven innocent started as a way for people to get pages investigated that seriously did have adult content. Or abusive things. Or child porn. It has, because people are douchebags, morphed into "If I find it offensive, NO ONE ELSE HAS THE RIGHT TO SEE IT!" And that sucks. You don't actually get to sanitize the world around you to your specifications, folks.
And, finally, allow me to point out that if you're reporting pages and encouraging others to, and they aren't actually against Facebook's standards, you are just as much of an asshole as the people reporting The Leaky B@@b. Yup, pot, you're black. Just because breastfeeding is morally loftier to you than ogling boobs doesn't make you right. You're still a douche. The end.
Now, after that bit of tough love, here's how you can actually help the Leaky B@@b - no reporting involved!
Send an e-mail or call a local TV station or newspaper. Tell them about what's going on. Ask them to pick up the story. Provide links to The Leaky B@@b and the press release.
Join Jessica's new page, Join TLB in support of Women's Health and the new Bring Back the Leaky Boob...again page (run by my friend Atina, who is a rockstar.)
Tweet, share, blog about them, about the situation.
Contact Mark Zuckerberg on his page.
Write to internet media sources and encourage them to run with the story.
Petition pro-bfing celebrities like Jenna Elfman, Kourtney Kardashian, Helena Bonham Carter, and Christina Aguleria to make a statement.
Call Facebook and urge them to reinstate the page and also to rethink their policy of instantly removing reported pages. 650-543-4800
I also asked Jessica to send me any ideas she has, so if and when she does, I shall post them here.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
A Love Letter to My Closest Ladies
Dear Boobs,
Thank you for being so cool in so many ways.
When I was younger, I so wanted to have a set of you, and I didn't even really know why. You were just so intriguing. You took your sweet time bothering to show up, but you eventually came.
Throughout the years, I dressed you in leopard prints and lace and sometimes boring beige. We went through a lot together, and I always maintained that you were pretty freaking awesome. In fact, you've even been my nickname before - proof positive that you ladies have way more fame than I do.
When my first child was born, you were a source of amazement and anguish. You did your job for 14 months, and then went back to the high life, clad in Victoria's Secret and being totally sexy.
Now, you're a working set again, and you spend a lot of time nourishing a baby. But you don't complain, and you do such a fantastic job. From seven pounds to seventeen, that was all you, ladies. You are miraculous like that.
But I still see you as sexy, too, when you don't have a baby latched to you. You're still rockstars, and you still get second looks.
Love, me
...And in a segue...
that's the issue I sometimes have with breastfeeding advocacy. "Boobs are for babies! Stop sexualizing breasts, America!!!!!"
Well...
Breasts are baby feeding tools AND sexual devices. They are. I can be a hot sexy lady and a nursing mom. Women aren't confined to one particular role - neither are our body parts. The dual function of breasts doesn't mean I should have to cover up, or that people should be offended. It means that damn, boobs are awesome. Fun for the whole family! Lol.
So today, this is my big giant YAY to boobs. Whether they're small boobs or big boobs, nursing boobs or cleavage-y boobs, boobs in a turtleneck or boobs in a string bikini - boobs are great. We should recognize that they can have duality and appreciate everything they are and can be. Don't try to box the ladies in. Embrace them for everything they are.
Thank you for being so cool in so many ways.
When I was younger, I so wanted to have a set of you, and I didn't even really know why. You were just so intriguing. You took your sweet time bothering to show up, but you eventually came.
Throughout the years, I dressed you in leopard prints and lace and sometimes boring beige. We went through a lot together, and I always maintained that you were pretty freaking awesome. In fact, you've even been my nickname before - proof positive that you ladies have way more fame than I do.
When my first child was born, you were a source of amazement and anguish. You did your job for 14 months, and then went back to the high life, clad in Victoria's Secret and being totally sexy.
Now, you're a working set again, and you spend a lot of time nourishing a baby. But you don't complain, and you do such a fantastic job. From seven pounds to seventeen, that was all you, ladies. You are miraculous like that.
But I still see you as sexy, too, when you don't have a baby latched to you. You're still rockstars, and you still get second looks.
Love, me
...And in a segue...
that's the issue I sometimes have with breastfeeding advocacy. "Boobs are for babies! Stop sexualizing breasts, America!!!!!"
Well...
Breasts are baby feeding tools AND sexual devices. They are. I can be a hot sexy lady and a nursing mom. Women aren't confined to one particular role - neither are our body parts. The dual function of breasts doesn't mean I should have to cover up, or that people should be offended. It means that damn, boobs are awesome. Fun for the whole family! Lol.
So today, this is my big giant YAY to boobs. Whether they're small boobs or big boobs, nursing boobs or cleavage-y boobs, boobs in a turtleneck or boobs in a string bikini - boobs are great. We should recognize that they can have duality and appreciate everything they are and can be. Don't try to box the ladies in. Embrace them for everything they are.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Hey, hey, ho ho...Why Facebook (might) have to go...
I was all set to finish up this great blog I've been tweaking here and there on breastfeeding myths this morning. And then I decided to check Facebook from my phone this morning. And my morning instantly became a little more irritable.
Some last night, you see, Facebook removed the fan page for The Leaky B@@b.
The Leaky B@@b is a support site for breastfeeding mothers. They can get on there, commiserate, ask questions, et cetera. There are forums for The Leaky B@@b, but most people honestly used the fan page instead. It was close, no need to log into another site. And it was a community. And a generally respectful one where people encouraged you and didn't judge you (mostly) if you needed to supplement with formula or if you were getting ready to quit because you just couldn't do it for whatever reason. Sure, the ladies there would try to talk you down...but ultimately, if that was what you had to do, they wouldn't blackball you and taunt you or tell you how if you were them, you would totally have succeeded because of blah blah blah.
First of all, you have no idea how rare that is in a parenting community. Usually, oneupmanship there is a blood sport (as my friend Summer wonderfully put it.) Secondly, breastfeeding support is a HUGE hurdle for breastfeeding moms. Most don't have it, or don't have enough of it. The numerous studies showing a need for breastfeeding support is literally why I have a job.
Facebook, however, seems to loathe breastfeeding. Because they blindly delete breastfeeding pages/photos/etc ALL. THE. TIME. The Leaky B@@b is the latest in a looooong list of casualties. Facebook's official stance is that, hey, they love breastfeeding, you just can't show nipple. Except that they regularly remove breastfeeding pictures, even when they DON'T show anything. If you call them on it, they may or may not bother reinstating them. It really depends on their whims. Yet pictures from S&M scenes can be easily found on Facebook - half-naked underaged teens can be found on Facebook - you can find pro-ana, pro-mia, holocaust denial groups, and, every once in awhile, pro-pedophile groups. This is all totes fine to Facebook. But breastfeeding? Well, not so much.
So here's where I stand. I am a passionate breastfeeding supporter. This is the work I do, and what I plan to continue doing. I am a peer counselor, and, as of October, should be an IBCLC. I boycott Nestle, and a large part of the reason is the horrible practices that have that put the smackdown on breastfeeding. Yet here I sit, on Facebook, while calling myself a breastfeeding activist and supporter, while they tear down seemingly everything aimed at helping women to do something that WHO, the AAP, the White House and the Surgeon General all agree that more of us really, really need to do for a plethora of seriously important reasons. And so I sort of feel like I'm eating a Crunch bar while telling a woman in a third world country that Nestle is awful and their formula will hurt her baby. I feel like a huge, hypocritical jerk.
If Facebook quickly reinstates TLB, I'll probably stay on. But even then, I will be awaiting the social networking site that does to Facebook what it did to MySpace. Eagerly. And hopefully they won't be such douches.
For those of you interested in helping get The Leaky B@@b back on Facebook, you can join this page and you can let Facebook know how ridiculous they are being through Mark Zuckerberg's page. You can write in to appeals@facebook.com and tell them how you feel, too! PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE A JERK IN YOUR COMMUNICATIONS! Everyone who has had an account reinstated says that you get a MUCH better response by being polite and factual.
Some last night, you see, Facebook removed the fan page for The Leaky B@@b.
The Leaky B@@b is a support site for breastfeeding mothers. They can get on there, commiserate, ask questions, et cetera. There are forums for The Leaky B@@b, but most people honestly used the fan page instead. It was close, no need to log into another site. And it was a community. And a generally respectful one where people encouraged you and didn't judge you (mostly) if you needed to supplement with formula or if you were getting ready to quit because you just couldn't do it for whatever reason. Sure, the ladies there would try to talk you down...but ultimately, if that was what you had to do, they wouldn't blackball you and taunt you or tell you how if you were them, you would totally have succeeded because of blah blah blah.
First of all, you have no idea how rare that is in a parenting community. Usually, oneupmanship there is a blood sport (as my friend Summer wonderfully put it.) Secondly, breastfeeding support is a HUGE hurdle for breastfeeding moms. Most don't have it, or don't have enough of it. The numerous studies showing a need for breastfeeding support is literally why I have a job.
Facebook, however, seems to loathe breastfeeding. Because they blindly delete breastfeeding pages/photos/etc ALL. THE. TIME. The Leaky B@@b is the latest in a looooong list of casualties. Facebook's official stance is that, hey, they love breastfeeding, you just can't show nipple. Except that they regularly remove breastfeeding pictures, even when they DON'T show anything. If you call them on it, they may or may not bother reinstating them. It really depends on their whims. Yet pictures from S&M scenes can be easily found on Facebook - half-naked underaged teens can be found on Facebook - you can find pro-ana, pro-mia, holocaust denial groups, and, every once in awhile, pro-pedophile groups. This is all totes fine to Facebook. But breastfeeding? Well, not so much.
So here's where I stand. I am a passionate breastfeeding supporter. This is the work I do, and what I plan to continue doing. I am a peer counselor, and, as of October, should be an IBCLC. I boycott Nestle, and a large part of the reason is the horrible practices that have that put the smackdown on breastfeeding. Yet here I sit, on Facebook, while calling myself a breastfeeding activist and supporter, while they tear down seemingly everything aimed at helping women to do something that WHO, the AAP, the White House and the Surgeon General all agree that more of us really, really need to do for a plethora of seriously important reasons. And so I sort of feel like I'm eating a Crunch bar while telling a woman in a third world country that Nestle is awful and their formula will hurt her baby. I feel like a huge, hypocritical jerk.
If Facebook quickly reinstates TLB, I'll probably stay on. But even then, I will be awaiting the social networking site that does to Facebook what it did to MySpace. Eagerly. And hopefully they won't be such douches.
For those of you interested in helping get The Leaky B@@b back on Facebook, you can join this page and you can let Facebook know how ridiculous they are being through Mark Zuckerberg's page. You can write in to appeals@facebook.com and tell them how you feel, too! PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE A JERK IN YOUR COMMUNICATIONS! Everyone who has had an account reinstated says that you get a MUCH better response by being polite and factual.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My kids are perfect and yours suck
There's a dirty little secret of the mommy world. It's not secret if you're a mom. But others seem to be blissfully oblivious.
Step a little closer, though, and I'll share. Ready?
Moms are HUGE assholes. Competitive, horrible bitches that will make you want to kill them and/or yourself on a daily basis.
Oh, of course, not all moms are this way. But there are an awful lot of them. And be prepared, because they will do everything possible to make you feel like shit. And they are everywhere.
Example: I read this comment today on a post about scheduling c-sections or inductions for tax purposes. Do I think this is a good idea by any means? No. For a plethora of reasons I won't even start to get into. But here's what Anonymous Internet Bitch Mom thought -
"Well, women in developed countries are so uneducated about their bodies and birth anyway, what do you expect from a country with such a high c-section rate. I have never known of anyone who had a c-section for any reason that wasn't selfish or stupid."
And then there are the comments on breastfeeding posts. Here are two lovely examples:
"It's disgusting to breastfeed in public. These women are just attention whores. That's what bottles are for. I would proudly tell off a woman nursing in public, I have kids, they don't need to see PORN when we go out."
"Breastfeeding is a BIRTHRIGHT. I struggled for months to nurse. Every baby is entitled to breastmilk, and every mom should have to provide it. If your job doesn't accommodate breastfeeding, maybe it's time to find a new job."
Or the great circ debate:
"If you don't circ your boy, when he goes to high school and gets laughed at and has lasting psychological issues, it'll be all your fault for not doing what you were supposed to to his penis. Uncirc'd penises are gross and they are smelly."
"If you circ your boy, you have participated in genital mutilation. You should be arrested."
And don't even get me started on vaccines, diapering, or - GASP - occasionally eating fast food. You might as well just kill your child now and save them the slow death they will face from chemicals/obesity/autism/cancer/toppled over Happy Meal toys. It's the humane thing to do.
FFS, THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP.
Look, I get it. Raising your child is one of the most important things you do in life. And you have such a brief window to turn them into a decent, caring, humane person. There's this wonderful being in your care and it's your job. It's all you. What if you fuck up? How tragic will that be? No one wants to be the mom of the serial killer or the drunkard or the asshole. We all want to raise cheerful, healthy, functional members of society. Ones that hopefully never have plaque and learn from the mistakes we once made.
But we can't save them from everything.
True story: your kid will have a broken heart. They will have times where they are mean, or selfish, or screw up epically. They will refuse to learn from your mistakes. They will believe they are impervious to danger or injury. They will stop thinking that you are the wonderfully perfect person with all the answers who can solve every problem that they have. They will likely be a sullen moody teen eventually. There's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.
But what we can stop is making every other mother out there feel like shit if they do something differently than we do. We can keep our judgments - because, yeah, we'll still have them; we're not perfect - to ourselves. We can stop assuming that everyone who does anything differently than us is uneducated and abusive. In fact, we can start caring more about preventing true abuse rather than shoving our choices down everyone else's throat as smugly as possible. When we do feel the need to educate, we can do it gently, knowing that once, this was probably foreign to us, too.
We can be nicer, better, more supportive people. We can do it in part for our kids. Because no one wants their child to grow up to be the competitive dickhead parent that everyone else loathes. But if that's what the learn from you, that's what they will become. That or a nun, after deciding to rebel as much as possible. One of those.
And at the end of the day, your love and support and time will be important to your child. Not how you birthed them, or how you fed them in the first few years, or whether they were in cloth diapers or if they occasionally had a HFCS laden soda.
And if your kid turns out less screwed up than the really trashy one from Teen Mom or any of the cast members of the Jersey Shore, you have succeeded. ;P
Step a little closer, though, and I'll share. Ready?
Moms are HUGE assholes. Competitive, horrible bitches that will make you want to kill them and/or yourself on a daily basis.
Oh, of course, not all moms are this way. But there are an awful lot of them. And be prepared, because they will do everything possible to make you feel like shit. And they are everywhere.
Example: I read this comment today on a post about scheduling c-sections or inductions for tax purposes. Do I think this is a good idea by any means? No. For a plethora of reasons I won't even start to get into. But here's what Anonymous Internet Bitch Mom thought -
"Well, women in developed countries are so uneducated about their bodies and birth anyway, what do you expect from a country with such a high c-section rate. I have never known of anyone who had a c-section for any reason that wasn't selfish or stupid."
And then there are the comments on breastfeeding posts. Here are two lovely examples:
"It's disgusting to breastfeed in public. These women are just attention whores. That's what bottles are for. I would proudly tell off a woman nursing in public, I have kids, they don't need to see PORN when we go out."
"Breastfeeding is a BIRTHRIGHT. I struggled for months to nurse. Every baby is entitled to breastmilk, and every mom should have to provide it. If your job doesn't accommodate breastfeeding, maybe it's time to find a new job."
Or the great circ debate:
"If you don't circ your boy, when he goes to high school and gets laughed at and has lasting psychological issues, it'll be all your fault for not doing what you were supposed to to his penis. Uncirc'd penises are gross and they are smelly."
"If you circ your boy, you have participated in genital mutilation. You should be arrested."
And don't even get me started on vaccines, diapering, or - GASP - occasionally eating fast food. You might as well just kill your child now and save them the slow death they will face from chemicals/obesity/autism/cancer/toppled over Happy Meal toys. It's the humane thing to do.
FFS, THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP.
Look, I get it. Raising your child is one of the most important things you do in life. And you have such a brief window to turn them into a decent, caring, humane person. There's this wonderful being in your care and it's your job. It's all you. What if you fuck up? How tragic will that be? No one wants to be the mom of the serial killer or the drunkard or the asshole. We all want to raise cheerful, healthy, functional members of society. Ones that hopefully never have plaque and learn from the mistakes we once made.
But we can't save them from everything.
True story: your kid will have a broken heart. They will have times where they are mean, or selfish, or screw up epically. They will refuse to learn from your mistakes. They will believe they are impervious to danger or injury. They will stop thinking that you are the wonderfully perfect person with all the answers who can solve every problem that they have. They will likely be a sullen moody teen eventually. There's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.
But what we can stop is making every other mother out there feel like shit if they do something differently than we do. We can keep our judgments - because, yeah, we'll still have them; we're not perfect - to ourselves. We can stop assuming that everyone who does anything differently than us is uneducated and abusive. In fact, we can start caring more about preventing true abuse rather than shoving our choices down everyone else's throat as smugly as possible. When we do feel the need to educate, we can do it gently, knowing that once, this was probably foreign to us, too.
We can be nicer, better, more supportive people. We can do it in part for our kids. Because no one wants their child to grow up to be the competitive dickhead parent that everyone else loathes. But if that's what the learn from you, that's what they will become. That or a nun, after deciding to rebel as much as possible. One of those.
And at the end of the day, your love and support and time will be important to your child. Not how you birthed them, or how you fed them in the first few years, or whether they were in cloth diapers or if they occasionally had a HFCS laden soda.
And if your kid turns out less screwed up than the really trashy one from Teen Mom or any of the cast members of the Jersey Shore, you have succeeded. ;P
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Stranger Danger
My oldest is an extremely friendly kid.
She will be out in public and happily start discussing almost anything with anyone. She'll yell out from inside the cart to random people - asking them their name, telling them hers, telling them mine.
On Saturday, we were at WalMart (otherwise known as the holiday epicenter of hell) and she selected this sandwich lunch pack thing with a sandwich, cheese stick, apple, juice, and animal crackers. And she was sooooooooo proud of it. So proud that she felt the need to show EVERYONE that came within 5 feet of our cart.
Example:
We pass by a middle aged lady.
Rhi: "Hi! I'm Rhiannon. What's your name?"
Lady: looks at her like she's lost her mind, turns and walks quickly in the opposite direction
Rhi: "Wait! You didn't see my lunch!" holds up box and waves it.
Shane LOATHES this. I caught him lecturing her about it. "Stop showing people that! You're not supposed to talk to strangers!!!!"
I hate that shit.
I talked to strangers as a kid. I remember being just as friendly as Rhi. I remember not really being concerned with things like kidnapping or pedophiles or drug dealers. Somehow, I managed to get to a whopping 28 years old without being axe murdered and raped after I ran off with a stranger.
I know that sounds flippant, and, trust me, I don't mean for it to be. Yes, kids get kidnapped. Yes, they get molested. Yes, it's tragic. Yes, I, like every other parent, worry about it happening to my kids.
But I see a big difference in the boundaries I try to instill. Call me a bad parent, I don't stop my kids from talking to people. Especially since my kid is three, and I'm right there, parenting her. Is someone going to snatch her from my cart and run off while I'm right next to her because she said hi? I guarantee you they will be beaten, possibly to death, with some frozen chicken if they try. Rhi knows damn well not to go off with a stranger. But I refuse to stop her from being nice. I refuse to instill the suspicion that all people are bad and that she should trust no one. I'd love for her to be at least 5 before she's that jaded.
I also think about it this way. If, god forbid, my kid was lost, what are the chances that the nearest adult would be a pedo/kidnapper/murderer? Probably unlikely. So she'd probably be in more danger by wandering around alone, looking for me and refusing to get help from someone (who is likely completely benign.) I want her, if we're separated at WalMart or something, to TELL someone.
Also, stranger danger discounts the fact that most children are harmed by people they know. My kid is more likely to be abused by somebody that I know right now than by some random person. Statistically, she's most likely to be kidnapped by her dad than a stranger (not that I think he would ever do so.)
I think it's sad that people turn away from my perky, cheerful child in the store. And I'm sure that part of it is the concern that somehow I'll take offense to them being friendly to my child. But I won't discourage her from being a happy, amiable soul.
She will be out in public and happily start discussing almost anything with anyone. She'll yell out from inside the cart to random people - asking them their name, telling them hers, telling them mine.
On Saturday, we were at WalMart (otherwise known as the holiday epicenter of hell) and she selected this sandwich lunch pack thing with a sandwich, cheese stick, apple, juice, and animal crackers. And she was sooooooooo proud of it. So proud that she felt the need to show EVERYONE that came within 5 feet of our cart.
Example:
We pass by a middle aged lady.
Rhi: "Hi! I'm Rhiannon. What's your name?"
Lady: looks at her like she's lost her mind, turns and walks quickly in the opposite direction
Rhi: "Wait! You didn't see my lunch!" holds up box and waves it.
Shane LOATHES this. I caught him lecturing her about it. "Stop showing people that! You're not supposed to talk to strangers!!!!"
I hate that shit.
I talked to strangers as a kid. I remember being just as friendly as Rhi. I remember not really being concerned with things like kidnapping or pedophiles or drug dealers. Somehow, I managed to get to a whopping 28 years old without being axe murdered and raped after I ran off with a stranger.
I know that sounds flippant, and, trust me, I don't mean for it to be. Yes, kids get kidnapped. Yes, they get molested. Yes, it's tragic. Yes, I, like every other parent, worry about it happening to my kids.
But I see a big difference in the boundaries I try to instill. Call me a bad parent, I don't stop my kids from talking to people. Especially since my kid is three, and I'm right there, parenting her. Is someone going to snatch her from my cart and run off while I'm right next to her because she said hi? I guarantee you they will be beaten, possibly to death, with some frozen chicken if they try. Rhi knows damn well not to go off with a stranger. But I refuse to stop her from being nice. I refuse to instill the suspicion that all people are bad and that she should trust no one. I'd love for her to be at least 5 before she's that jaded.
I also think about it this way. If, god forbid, my kid was lost, what are the chances that the nearest adult would be a pedo/kidnapper/murderer? Probably unlikely. So she'd probably be in more danger by wandering around alone, looking for me and refusing to get help from someone (who is likely completely benign.) I want her, if we're separated at WalMart or something, to TELL someone.
Also, stranger danger discounts the fact that most children are harmed by people they know. My kid is more likely to be abused by somebody that I know right now than by some random person. Statistically, she's most likely to be kidnapped by her dad than a stranger (not that I think he would ever do so.)
I think it's sad that people turn away from my perky, cheerful child in the store. And I'm sure that part of it is the concern that somehow I'll take offense to them being friendly to my child. But I won't discourage her from being a happy, amiable soul.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The Morning After
I'm ashamed of my country today. Yes, you, America. I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
It's not, as you might believe given my left leanings, that the House went red last night. Whatever on that. Not my choice, but I'm not angry or ashamed of it.
No, I'm ashamed of HOW and WHY it went red.
Last night, political commentators were discussing how a LARGE MAJORITY of people, in exit polls, said that they pretty much voted straight Republican. One of the commentators summed it up by saying that, "In this election, the color of the jersey was more important than the name on the back of it."
Say WHAT?!?!?
America, it is NEVER ok to just decide to vote straight ticket. It's not. It's how we get awful people in the government. It's how we get people who are easily seduced by special interests. It's how we get elected officials who are total crazy people (I'm looking at you, Rand Paul.)
I won't even get started on Prop 19 or the judges ousted for voting for same sex marriage, except to say that we are worrying about all the wrong damn things if pot and gay marriage are our huge concerns here.
That all said, I am interested in seeing what happens with all the turnover. Put your money where your mouth is, Republicans and Democrats and WORK TOGETHER. Do SOMETHING.
It's not, as you might believe given my left leanings, that the House went red last night. Whatever on that. Not my choice, but I'm not angry or ashamed of it.
No, I'm ashamed of HOW and WHY it went red.
Last night, political commentators were discussing how a LARGE MAJORITY of people, in exit polls, said that they pretty much voted straight Republican. One of the commentators summed it up by saying that, "In this election, the color of the jersey was more important than the name on the back of it."
Say WHAT?!?!?
America, it is NEVER ok to just decide to vote straight ticket. It's not. It's how we get awful people in the government. It's how we get people who are easily seduced by special interests. It's how we get elected officials who are total crazy people (I'm looking at you, Rand Paul.)
I won't even get started on Prop 19 or the judges ousted for voting for same sex marriage, except to say that we are worrying about all the wrong damn things if pot and gay marriage are our huge concerns here.
That all said, I am interested in seeing what happens with all the turnover. Put your money where your mouth is, Republicans and Democrats and WORK TOGETHER. Do SOMETHING.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Untitled
Hi, I'm Star. And I could already be dying.
I wish that I could laugh now and say that I'm joking. I'm not.
My grandmother, on my mother's side, had a disease called Huntington's. You may or may not have heard of it. It's a degenerative brain disease. It usually starts out with involuntary movements and leads to dementia and ultimately death. There isn't a really decent treatment. There is no cure.
If your parent has it, you have a 50% chance of having it as well.
My grandmother had it. She died from it. My uncle currently has it. And my mom? Well, we don't know for sure. She seems ok. But who knows if she is or not? She tends to repeat stories - is that a degeneration of her brain, or just a normal "people who are getting older repeat shit a lot" thing? When she talks about insomnia, is it a sleep disorder like the ones commonly attributed to Huntington's? Or is it just because we've had some really stressful shit in our family this year?
So I'm currently in a Schrodinger's Cat situation. Until my mother is diagnosed or I'm tested, I both do and don't have Huntington's. And as I get older, this terrifies me.
You see, I watched my grandmother degenerate with Huntington's. She didn't recognize us. She was utterly unable to take care of herself. She couldn't dress herself, or go to the bathroom on her own. She would get into her adult diapers and smear fecal matter all over her room. She would randomly yell at us. She would call us names.
And we were young, my sister and me. And while looking back on it now, I realize how heartbreaking it was, and how scared and confused she probably was, my young self was bitter. Or embarrassed. Or one of 800,000 other negative emotions that shame me terribly now.
And I'm so scared.
Huntington's generally begins between 35-44. You have maybe 20 years after that. And most of those really aren't wonderful years. They're years where you lose your mind, lose your bodily functions.
Lose yourself.
I'm 28 years old. I'm almost 29. That gives me, if I am carrying this disease, a scant 6 years of having full hold of myself.
And it's not just losing myself that I worry about.
Remember how I told you how I felt about my grandmother? Yes, I'm ashamed of it now. Totally. However, those memories are so strong that I have a hard time remembering my grandmother any other way. Her as a demented, dying woman has colored everything about her in my mind.
If this happens to me - if I have this disease - is this how Shane and the kids will remember me? That is my worst fear. Being a burden to my family. I don't want Rhi, or Keira, or Shane to remember me as the crazy bitch who painted the walls with poop, or the woman who came in with her clothing inside out and only one fake boob in to their party. If I were to die, I would want them to remember the good things I did. But if I have Huntington's, is that even possible?
I'm sure right now you're all thinking, "Jeez, Star. Get tested. Then you're not unsure. And you can cope."
Here's the issue with that. Again, if I do have Huntington's, I will get demented and die. The end. There are no other paths in my choose your own adventure. So why find out? Why have that hanging, daily, over my head for what could be my last good decade?
Also, it's hard to get tested. Because Huntington's is a death sentence, you must go through psychological testing. It can be very lengthy. And expensive. Remember how I'm a broke college student/part time peer counselor?
And what the fuck difference will it make? If I get the test, and I'm positive, it's not like I'm Queen Latifah in the Last Holiday. I can't suddenly pack up everything and travel the world, see all the things I'll miss out on later. Can't go follow my dreams all crazily. Not like there's a Make a Wish foundation for low income moms.
And I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to take knowledge of impending death and use it wisely. I'm worried that I'd use it to justify selfishness. Or that I'd wallow in self pity. If I'm gonna go nuts and die, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be that person. But I can't say for sure that I wouldn't succumb to that. :/
I wish that I could laugh now and say that I'm joking. I'm not.
My grandmother, on my mother's side, had a disease called Huntington's. You may or may not have heard of it. It's a degenerative brain disease. It usually starts out with involuntary movements and leads to dementia and ultimately death. There isn't a really decent treatment. There is no cure.
If your parent has it, you have a 50% chance of having it as well.
My grandmother had it. She died from it. My uncle currently has it. And my mom? Well, we don't know for sure. She seems ok. But who knows if she is or not? She tends to repeat stories - is that a degeneration of her brain, or just a normal "people who are getting older repeat shit a lot" thing? When she talks about insomnia, is it a sleep disorder like the ones commonly attributed to Huntington's? Or is it just because we've had some really stressful shit in our family this year?
So I'm currently in a Schrodinger's Cat situation. Until my mother is diagnosed or I'm tested, I both do and don't have Huntington's. And as I get older, this terrifies me.
You see, I watched my grandmother degenerate with Huntington's. She didn't recognize us. She was utterly unable to take care of herself. She couldn't dress herself, or go to the bathroom on her own. She would get into her adult diapers and smear fecal matter all over her room. She would randomly yell at us. She would call us names.
And we were young, my sister and me. And while looking back on it now, I realize how heartbreaking it was, and how scared and confused she probably was, my young self was bitter. Or embarrassed. Or one of 800,000 other negative emotions that shame me terribly now.
And I'm so scared.
Huntington's generally begins between 35-44. You have maybe 20 years after that. And most of those really aren't wonderful years. They're years where you lose your mind, lose your bodily functions.
Lose yourself.
I'm 28 years old. I'm almost 29. That gives me, if I am carrying this disease, a scant 6 years of having full hold of myself.
And it's not just losing myself that I worry about.
Remember how I told you how I felt about my grandmother? Yes, I'm ashamed of it now. Totally. However, those memories are so strong that I have a hard time remembering my grandmother any other way. Her as a demented, dying woman has colored everything about her in my mind.
If this happens to me - if I have this disease - is this how Shane and the kids will remember me? That is my worst fear. Being a burden to my family. I don't want Rhi, or Keira, or Shane to remember me as the crazy bitch who painted the walls with poop, or the woman who came in with her clothing inside out and only one fake boob in to their party. If I were to die, I would want them to remember the good things I did. But if I have Huntington's, is that even possible?
I'm sure right now you're all thinking, "Jeez, Star. Get tested. Then you're not unsure. And you can cope."
Here's the issue with that. Again, if I do have Huntington's, I will get demented and die. The end. There are no other paths in my choose your own adventure. So why find out? Why have that hanging, daily, over my head for what could be my last good decade?
Also, it's hard to get tested. Because Huntington's is a death sentence, you must go through psychological testing. It can be very lengthy. And expensive. Remember how I'm a broke college student/part time peer counselor?
And what the fuck difference will it make? If I get the test, and I'm positive, it's not like I'm Queen Latifah in the Last Holiday. I can't suddenly pack up everything and travel the world, see all the things I'll miss out on later. Can't go follow my dreams all crazily. Not like there's a Make a Wish foundation for low income moms.
And I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to take knowledge of impending death and use it wisely. I'm worried that I'd use it to justify selfishness. Or that I'd wallow in self pity. If I'm gonna go nuts and die, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be that person. But I can't say for sure that I wouldn't succumb to that. :/
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